Fountains Are Evil
by SivMeille
Summary: A strange idea that popped into my head. Darren makes a wish and is turned into a girl as usual and through a series of unfortunate events, is forced to seduce Steve in an attempt to end the War of the Scars. Hopefully, femDarrenXSteve.
1. Chapter 1: Melons

**Disclaimer: **The Darren Shan Saga/Cirque Du Freak's character and plot does not belong to me. Gah. Not this again!

**A/N: **You know, I've been very disappointed in my other Darren Shan story, A Continuation. It's boring and starting to piss me off. So what do I do? I make a new story! ...Not the smartest choice I've ever made. But I'll live with it. Still updating A Continuation, but I need this to alleviate the dodginess of that other fic.

Oh, I'm so bad at humour. Darren's very OOC in this story - because I like him that way. Enjoy, guys.

This story is going to be updated so slow, due to the fact that I'm still in my last year of high school (Therefore, exams.) and most of the time have writer's block clogging up my upper... Uh... Plumbing? Anyway!

Rated T for sexual references and anything else I might accidentally include with my jaded, worldly mind - Ahahaha, see, I made a funny! ...Because I don't actually have a... Okay, maybe not.

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><p><em>Chapter 1: Melons<em>

Fountains are evil.

That was the only conclusion I could come to as to why I had landed into this situation.

Hi. My name's Darren Shan.

At least, it used to be. See, the thing is, I'm a half-vampire. And one of the five Vampire Princes. But I'm not so sure that applies anymore.

What the heck am I crapping on about? Well, it's a long story. A very long one.

It starts with a hunt. A hunt for a Lord. And not just any Lord - the Lord of the Vampaneze. Which is, you know, fantastic. That was sarcasm, in case you didn't get it.

I know, I know. A hunt! What could possibly be bad about a hunt?

Well, maybe the fact that our target turned out to be accompanied by the man who I regarded to be my best friend ever. A man who still believed I had betrayed him, but had pretended to be our ally, then stabbed us in the backs when we weren't looking.

And then one of his friends - someone else with a grudge towards me - kidnapped my girlfriend. The woman I love. Debbie.

I wanted to go back for her, make sure she was well. But they didn't let me. Mr Crepsley, Vancha, Harkat and I ran instead, with a grudgingly unwilling Alice Burgess, the police inspector of Mr Crepsley's childhood town.

And so here we were - five very different people stranded together with nothing and no one else to rely on, while people like R.V. and Steve ran around wreaking havoc for the Vampaneze Lord. With Debbie at their mercy.

But fine, whatever. That part doesn't matter.

Not when something as devastating as what had happened had happened. Wow, I just said those words twice, didn't I?

Okay, re-phrase - Not when that devastating occurrence had happened to me.

It starts with a fountain. When I first encountered it, something deep in me had been violently awakened. I have no idea what. Might have been yesterday's mystery breakfast courtesy of Vancha. But anyway! The fountain stood in the sun, it's clear, white waters looking all clean and pristine-like. I just had to go to it.

But don't let that fancy exterior fool you, deep down in that inanimate landmark existed an evil purer than anything in this world.

Pure! Like 100% fat-free ice-cream pure! And dear God - that's pure.

I'm sorry. It would seem that a shortened attention span accompanied my new... condition.

But yes, where was I? Oh yeah, fountains are evil, and I approached one. Worried sick about Debbie, I begged Mr Crepsley for a coin, and like the mature adult I was, made a wish and threw the coin in.

"I wish the War of the Scars were over!" I shouted at the fountain, as if the louder I uttered - screeched - my wish, the better the chance that my dream will come true.

For a long time, I stood there expectantly. Yes, giggle at me if you wish. But I lived in a world of magic and impossible things.

Half-vampire, remember?

So, I expected something to happen, you know?

Nothing did.

...

Yeah. Nothing happened.

So why do I think fountains are evil?

Because, the next morning, I woke up and found melons hanging from my chest.

...Melons. Melons!

And my banana was gone.

So I did the best thing I could do in my situation.

"MR CREPSLEEEEEYYYYYYYYY!"

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><p>AN: Review?


	2. Chapter 2: Oops

**Disclaimer:** Don't own the plot or characters of the Darren Shan Saga/Cirque Du Freak. I'm kind of starting to forget what I've written as disclaimers before. Almost wrote something I already did. Oops? (Hey look, the disclaimer's tied in with the chapter title!)

**A/N:** Okay, I know I didn't clarify very well exactly where in the series this takes place, so I'll explain it now - Basically, it's when Steve first reveals that he's half-vampaneze, but before he tells Darren that he's the Lord of the Vampaneze. The part where Mr Crepsley sprained his ankle? He did here as well, but they managed to get away... Somehow. I'm a little skimpy on the details. But the good news for all you Debbie-haters, if you hadn't already figured it out, she got left behind with Steve, R.V. and the rest of the vampaneze.

Thanks to CirqueDuFreakForever and S.L. Gibbs for reviewing the last chapter. I actually forgot to put this in beforehand, so this chapter didn't have this. Sorry, I'm going senile.

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><p><em>Chapter 2: Oops<em>

The loud thud on the top of Mr Crepsley new coffin alerted me as to the grumpy mood Mr Crepsley was sure to be in when he emerged from the casket. And the tell-tale bump on his head.

"Dar-" Mr Crepsley's eyes widened when he saw me - or more specifically, my new bumps -

I was too distracted to watch his reaction. Never once had I seen the interior of the portable coffin Evanna had made for him. It was quite luxurious. The foldable coffin's existence defied the Law of Physics - but then again, so did the existence of the melons hanging from my chest.

"Darren?"

My eyes snapped up to my mentor's face at the sound of his strained voice. I looked at him, embarrassed at how easily I was distracted.

"Yes?" I asked stupidly, having temporarily forgotten my whole reason for waking him up.

"What is... that?" he asked, pointing to my merry melons.

Mmm, melons. I love melons. Maybe I should go find some watermelons at the supermarket. Or cantaloupe! Yes, cantaloupe. Mmmmh...

I shook my head, trying to focus.

"I was hoping you could tell me. Please don't tell me the Purge changes a person's gender, because I have _so _many issues with that,"

"It does not. Not that I know of anyway," Mr Crepsley said. His hand trembling, he reached out to touch the strange globes on my chest.

"Oi!" I shouted a protest and backed away from him.

Mr Crepsley looked at me in annoyance. "I am no paedophile. I am merely trying to determine what these... _items_ are."

"Whatever they are, I don't want you touching them!" I told him and crossed my arms over my chest protectively.

He lifted an eyebrow at my stubborn pose, then shrugged. "Very well,"

"Hey, Darren, Larten, look what I-" Vancha started, then dropped the human body he'd draped over his shoulder onto the floor. It landed heavily and I grimaced at the loud thud. So much for dinner.

Vancha stared at me in shock, then held out a finger pointing to my chest.

I eyed the offending finger warily as Vancha opened and closed his mouth like a big-eyed goldfish.

"Wh-Wha-Wha..." He mouthed silently.

"What's wrong, Vancha?" Harkat asked from behind Vancha, then let out a squeaky 'eep' as he caught sight of me.

You'd think I had become some kind of hideous monster from their reactions.

Then suddenly Vancha burst out laughing. Hysterically.

"I know what's going on! This is a prank, isn't it?" his voice boomed. I winced at the starkingly contrasted increase of volume.

"Uh..." I said, unsure of how to answer him.

"Okay, no need the play around any more, wise guy! Show us what they actually are!" Before I could say anything, Vancha had his fists bunched around my the ends of my shirt and was lifting it up, to reveal my ample - real - melons.

For a long time, nobody said anything.

The tense silence was broken mere minutes later by Vancha screaming in pain.

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><p><strong>AN:** Hey guys! Did you notice that if you rearranged melon, you get lemon? How cool is that? And what is with me and re-arranging words?


	3. Chapter 3: Succubus

**Disclaimer:** Oh yes, the Darren Shan Saga/Cirque Du Freak belongs to ME! BWAHAHAHAHA!

...Damn it. None of you fell for that, did you?

**A/N:** Chapters get longer from this chapter onwards. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.

Thank yous to DarrenShanForeva123, S.L. Gibbs and my mysterious reader who left no name for reviewing the last chapter, as usual I was giddy with happiness because of them. Thanks guys. Even if I don't know a third of who you are.

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><p><em>Chapter 3: Succubus<em>

"So," Vancha paused dramatically, an effect spoiled by his multiple wounds. "What you're saying is that you made a wish and woke up like that?" Vancha asked, his voice muffled and distorted slightly by his swollen cheek.

"Yes," I said, bowing my head meekly. I eyed his wounds guiltily, feeling remorse at my moment of weakness and almost instinctual reaction of beating up my fellow Prince.

"I see," Vancha replied.

"That explanation seems... not plausible," Harkat said quietly.

"But it's what happened!" I replied.

"Well, this is indeed a complication..." Mr Crepsley said, rubbing his scar thoughtfully, as always. Sometimes I wondered if the reason his scar never healed was because he was constantly fussing with it. "Perhaps we should go back to Vampire Mountain and consult the other Princes,"

"But one Prince needs to be away from Vampire Mountain," I said. All eyes turned to Vancha.

He sighed. "Why is it always me?"

"Be a good boy and stay," Mr Crepsley paused contemplatively. "...ugly," he finished with a grin.

Vancha pouted - as much as he could with his already swollen lips anyway.

"Fine," he huffed.

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><p>"And you're saying you made a wish and woke up like that?" Mika questioned in a low growl.<p>

"Uh... Yes?" I replied, twirling my finger in my hair nervously. All the vampire generals were staring at me scrutinisingly. I looked down and checked that my newfound melons weren't hanging out of my shirt or something. I'd discovered that they were more trouble than I'd ever known. They were heavy, and the added mass to the front of my body was something I wasn't used to, and I'd bumped into things with them. A lot. Things like Mr Crepsley, for example.

He always blushed crimson red and would tell me to be more careful. But he would have_ that_ look.

I was starting to wonder if those pedophile rumours were true.

The chatter got louder, and the curious looks got more intense.

"I don't get it. How can a change of gender help us end the war?" I heard Arrow whisper to Mika.

"The answer's easy, Your _Majesties_," A voice rang out across the Hall of Princes. A petite woman stood up from one of the benches towards the back. She had pronounced Asian features, pale yellow skin and brown eyes. She spoke with excellent fluency, but her voice was tainted with a slight accent.

And she was gorgeous. In a weird way. My mind, with it's leftover testosterone couldn't divert my gaze towards her chest and hips. She had the biggest melons I had ever seen. A strange sight considering her tiny stature and Asian background.

"If you must speak, speak up, Liane," Mika said wearily.

The woman smirked, and she stood up. Even the way she moved was seductive.

"I'm sure everyone knows what type of role I have in this war," she paused. I stared at Liane blankly. Here I thought I knew about all the vampires, but I had never heard of her.

Her comment aroused the drone of mutters once again. From the tones I could tell that they were disapproving, but grudgingly grateful.

"And twisted as it may, I believe Darren Shan's gender has been changed to play the same role," The mutters grew louder. "After all, what can women do that men can't? Why would our little Prince - Ah, I apologise, _Princess_ need to be female for?" I squinted at the female vampire quizzically. The same role?

I cleared my throat to make myself known. The chatter dissipated considerably as the vampires turned to me curiously. "Um, what exactly are you talking about?" I asked uncomfortably.

Liane turned to me, and beamed. Suddenly she was behind me, having flitted to close the distance between us within a second.

"See, little one," she breathed in my ear, her voice a husky whisper. "My job's very simple," she said, trailing a finger up my arm, raising goosebumps on my skin. "I," she paused dramatically. "Manipulate men," I shuddered as her finger reached my neck and continued it's journey up to my cheek. I blushed at my reaction, cursing whatever leftover male hormones I had. she grinned. "Then when I'm done with them, I eat them,"

"What?" I exclaimed, not expecting that.

She smiled at me innocently. "Just kidding,"

I stared at her, wide-eyed. I doubted she was kidding.

"So, my dear Princes, I say we try this strategy," she said to the Princes sitting in her throne. "I take our cub under my wing, and then she can seduce the Vampaneze Lord and destroy him,"

"What!" I exclaimed again. Was she serious? She wanted me to do what to the Bringer of Doom? And what about Debbie?

"Can you truly think of a better use for her?" Liane gestured to me.

"No, I suppose not..." Mika said doubtfully. Then leaned over to whisper something to Arrow, who whispered something back. "Alright, you have our permission. Do as you wish."

"No-" I started to protest.

"Yay!" Liane squealed childishly, then clamped her arm around my neck so hard I choked. "I've wanted a colleague for so long!" she sighed happily, both arms around me now, constricting around my throat like a python.

"Help... Can't... Breathe!" I gasped. She ignored me. She held me in a headlock, I was unable to escape. I screamed and struggled. All my fellow vampires gave me sympathetic looks, but did nothing.

"Thank you, your majesties!" she said to the Princes, bowing in an almost mocking manner, pulling me down with her. I gasped for breath as the wind was knocked out of me.

Then, as abruptly as she hugged me, she released me. "We're going to have so much fun!" she told me, then laughed. And not the 'haha' type, but the 'mwahaha' type.

I started sweating profusely.

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><p><strong>AN: **Not the best chapter. I promise that the next one will be much better.


	4. Chapter 4: Nosebleeds

**Disclaimer:**You know, if I said that the Darren Shan Saga/Cirque Du Freak _did _belong to me, you guys wouldn't know any better, would you?

...Unless you were Darren Shan. In which case I'm hoping he wouldn't read my screwed up beyond compare fics.

**A/N:** Okay, so I was wrong. The chapters don't get longer after all. I guess I'm just so spontaneous and whimsical that I write to my heart's (inconsistent) content...

Thanks to DarrenShanForeva123 (as usual) as well as _like_ for their reviews of the last chapter. Too bad I couldn't reply your review, _like_, but thank you for bothering to review it! Though, I don't know why you would find me mean. I narrowed down the - numerous - possibilities to two, but didn't know which it was. Either way, I apologise?

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><p><em>Chapter 4: Nosebleeds<em>

Liane loved to flirt.

Oh, not just as a 'job'. She loved making guys squirm as they were submitted to her never ceasing pheromones.

In the few days I was forced along with her I watched her give guys massages, touch them with simple, hormone-filled brushes, play footsie underneath the table and I even caught them sucking face. Really badly.

And she wanted to teach me to do all that.

"Okay. Just go up to him and say hi. Then twirl your hair around your finger and look like you're listening intently to him," she said, pushing me off towards this random blonde vampire roaming the halls.

"But I-"

She shoved me forward. I sighed, throwing one last puppy look at her before resigning myself to my fate.

_Sorry, Debbie. _I said silently, knowing that she'd never forgive me flirting with someone else... Even if it was a guy.

I walked over to him, trying to imitate Liane's 'sexy' walk. Until I promptly tripped over a rock and fell on my face. Blood leaked from my nose, the result of some blood vessel that had burst from embarrassment. In my nose.

The vampire looked at me, his expression a mixture of concern and totally-creeped-out.

"Hi,"

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><p>"You are by far the worst student I have ever had!" Liane told me, stomping through the hallways in frustration.<p>

"I'm also the best," I decided to chirp in. "Because I'm the only student you've ever had,"

Her foot landed heavily on the ground as she came to a complete stop. She looked over her shoulder at me and death glared.

"I'm sorry," I said automatically in response to the killing aura radiating off her, a self-defence mechanism I'd developed over the last few days.

She continued to death glare at me. I was starting to perspire from the heat of her stare.

"Hey Liane!" A vampire - Male, of course - called out to her.

She spun around so quickly her hair whipped around and smacked me in the face. I cried out in pain - grunted, more like. I had yet to master the oopsie-I'm-hurt-will-you-help-me technique Liane had begun teaching me - and leaned away from my 'mentor'.

"Yes?" she asked sweetly, giggling like a little school girl and fluttering her eyelashes at the vampire.

I inwardly groaned as I nursed the wounds on my face. Watching sourly as she pseudo-giggled and slapped the vampire's arm playfully, I wondered how I'd gotten into this situation in the first place.

Oh, yeah. Fountains are evil.

I averted my gaze as Liane continued to seduce the weak-willed vampire, staring instead at the light emitted by a torch further down the hallway.

I wondered why they never burnt out, not that I knew of. Did they get changed regularly or something?

Staring for an extended period of time, the fire started to blind me slightly, leaving a lighted imprint beneath my eyelids when I blinked. It reminded me of the candles that were on my cake for my eleventh birthday.

Mmm, cake. I need to go have some. Damn Vampire Mountain and it's stale bread and bat broth.

"Darren, were you listening?" I whirled my head around to stare blankly at Liane. The vampire was gone and we were alone - a perfect opportunity to kill off a Vampire Prince... cess.

"Yes," I improvised. She placed her hands on her hips sternly and I felt as if it was my mother instead glaring at me.

Then she suddenly grinned, and let out a high-pitched squeal as she tackled me.

"I wuv you so much!" she told me, rubbing her cheek roughly against mine.

All I could do was stare at her in shock and discomfort. Her mood swings were almost as bad as her teaching methods.

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><p><strong>AN: **I love Liane. She reminds me of well... a lot of people. It's like all my friends combined and exaggerated. She's bipolar, two-faced, a nymphomaniac, and a sadist. What's not to like about her?


	5. Chapter 5: Martini IceCream

**Disclaimer:**Man, I'm kinda sick of saying this. But no, I don't own the Darren Shan Saga/Cirque Du Freak nor any of its characters/plot.

**A/N:**Today's update came on a little late, sorry about that. In case you haven't noticed, I've made Friday update day! Yays!

Thank you to CirqueDuFreakForever, DarrenShanForeva123 and hetaliajapan01 for reviewing the last chapter! They made me 'Awww's!

As usual, I totally spaced on putting Line Breaks, so for those of you who got two notifications for this chapter, I'M SO SORRY! I'm such a bubblehead.

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><p><em>Chapter 5: Martini Ice-cream<em>

"So. What are your hobbies?"

"Oh, you know, reading, knitting, walking on the beach..."

"Is that so?" I pulled the satin jacket tighter around me as goosebumps appeared on my arms. I can't believe this man couldn't even meet my eyes. He was too busy staring at my melons. Seriously. They're not even that big.

"Yeah..." Nervous laughter. I turned around to see Liane seated comfortably on some other guy's lap, busy consuming his face. I repressed the urge to barf.

We were at a night club. Yes, you read that right. A night club. Of all places. Little over a week after my training had begun, Liane decided that vampires were 'so beyond her', while flipping her hair back over her shoulder - and slapping me in the face, as usual - and dragging me away from Vampire Mountain - literally. I clawed tracks in the sand - to some city.

"...ss? Miss! What would you like?" I stared at a person in a waiter's uniform who looked at me all flustered and annoyed.

"Vanilla ice-cream," I said, distracted, my head turning back in Liane's direction to watch her slip her hand beneath the guy's shirt.

"What?" The guy who'd been staring at me said, and the single word that came out of his mouth hit me in the face like pie thrown by a clown. I froze.

"M-martini! I meant martini ice-cream. No, wait, that's not what I meant..." I babbled, panicked, but the waiter had heard enough and with a you're-really-weird-aren't-you look on his face, he walked away. I swivelled my head to look at my companion. But he, too, seemed repelled by me and like the south pole of a magnet to my south pole magnet, he was thrown back. Fast. And travelled very far away.

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><p>"I give up," Liane said as we walked back to the motel we were currently living in.<p>

"I'm sorry,"

"You're hopeless,"

"I'm sorry,"

"Why can't you be more like my magnificent self?"

"I'm sorry,"

"Hey, would you like an ice-cream?"

"I'm sorry,"

She glared at me, her finger still stretched out and pointing to the petrol station we just passed. "Were you even listening to me?"

"Um... Of course,"

"...Darren," she said, her voice taking on that menacing tone it always did when she was angry at me - which was often. She was also often touchy-feely with me. It's quite scary when she's both simultaneously - and took a step towards me.

I let out another nervous giggle - which I often did nowadays too - and bolted.

She came after me with all her might. I gasped when I whipped my head around and saw her right behind me.

Of course, that meant I wasn't looking where I was going and I smacked right into a solid pillar of stone.

I nearly blacked out as my head spun from the impact.

"Well, well, look what we have here," said a male voice. I looked up to see a red-haired vampaneze, his hair matching the blazing colour of his eyes. He grinned at me in that evil way that made me shudder.

"Oh... If it isn't Kirethren," Liane placed her hand on her hip - which I had learnt meant something like I've-got-my-sights-on-you - and smiled seductively at the vampaneze.

"Liane," his grin grew even wider, and he tossed me to the side.

"Gah!" I shouted as I was fell backwards, until I fell into something plastic and squishy. I scanned them, sniffing the air and dry retched when the smell of decomposing trash reached my nose.

"I must say - you seem to be getting more beautiful every day."

She blinked furiously as if there was something in her eye in reply. "As are you,"

"Yeah, he's very pretty," I said, more sarcastic than seductive. They both glared at me. At the same time.

Then ignored me and went back to flirting.

Liane held out her hand to him and he kissed her knuckles gently.

Once again, I resisted the urge to retch. The smell of the trash didn't help, of course.

"So, who's the little cockroach?" the vampaneze named Kirethren asked.

"Oh, the girl whose going to seduce the Vampaneze Lord," she said airily. "Now, where were we the last time I came to town?" She slipped her arms around his neck. He grinned, stroking her forearm.

"That hormone-dominated mind of yours hasn't changed. The girl who's going to seduce the Lord of the Vampaneze, eh? I don't think it'll work so well. Our Lord prefers the type with larger jugs,"

"Ah, is that so?" Liane asked, brushing her lips against his throat.

"Yeah. Someone... Like you, Liane,"

She lifted an eyebrow at him. "But of course. Whose type aren't I?"

I choked on my own saliva and had to pound my fist against my chest to relieve myself.

"Is she... okay?" Kirethren asked and for a moment I was touched by his concern.

"Don't worry, lover, she does this all the time,"

I nearly coughed blood out.

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><p>The next day I woke up feeling worse than usual. I had a feeling something was going to happen today. Something strange and bad.<p>

Oh God, maybe I got diarrhoea from yesterday's dinner. I knew I shouldn't gave gone with seafood.

"Guess what!" Liane squealed into my ear. I stared at her groggily.

"You've decided to let me go?" I asked hopefully. Liane laughed heartily and slapped my back. I fell over from the force.

"Oof!" I shouted as my face grazed the ground.

"Of course not, sweetie-pie, but good one!" she told me sweetly. I sat up and craned my neck up to see her, sighing. She bent down to share my eye-level, and continued to grin. "Kirethren says he can get us into the vampaneze base to meet the Vampaneze Lord!"

She waited in silence for my reaction.

"...Yay?"

"Urgh!" she said in frustration, whacking the back of my head. "You're supposed to be happy about this."

"I'm happy!" I said indignantly, massaging my scalp where she'd smacked me.

"Sure," she said dismissively, over it now that she'd caused me pain. "Anyway, you know what this means, right?"

"Uh... Yes?" No. No I don't.

She ignored my answer. "Intensive seduction training!"

Oh crap.

"Hey, is that the phone ringing?" I asked. Liane looked to the phone, distracted. I wrenched open the door and ran as fast as I could.

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><p><strong>AN: **When I was thinking up names for Kirethren, I thought, what is the most ridiculous name you can give a guy that won't be a turn-off. My first instinct was to think of Pantyhose Taro from Ranma ½, but that seemed a little odd so I gave him a slightly more normal name. It's ridiculously long and a pain to type, though.


	6. Chapter 6: Fluffy

**Disclaimer:** I actually googled 'buying up rights to Darren Shan Saga' at a lame attempt to excuse myself from writing disclaimers ever again... I came up with offers from amazon . com to buy the whole Darren Shan Saga book set. Just the book set. Anyway, Darren Shan Saga/Cirque Du Freak characters, plot, etc, is not mine.

**A/N:** So, for those of you who have read Chapter 5, you would know that I completely messed up and posted it twice. As an apology – an early update! Enjoy.

Thanks to DarrenShanForeva123 for reviews of the last chapter (as usual)

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><p><em>Chapter 6: Fluffy<em>

"...What the hell is that?"

"It's your dress!" Liane answered cheerfully. "I saw it on sale and I thought - I just have to get it for you. Try it on!"

She threw the pink, fluffy thing at me. "Uh, Liane? Does the guy have a livestock fetish or something?"

"Of course not,"

"So why do you want me to dress up as a sheep?"

"Correction - I want you to dress up as a _pink _sheep! Try it on!"

She shoved me into my room and slammed the door in my face. I just managed to lean back enough to save my nose.

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><p>At first, I couldn't even tell where I was supposed to put my arms through. It was fluffy all around, and I basically drowned in the pinkness of it.<p>

There was even a hood. A pink hood. A pink,_ fluffy_ hood. I wondered how many animals they had to kill and dye for this one 'dress'.

The hood was so heavy with fluffiness that I had to put it up over my head or risk breaking my back. Despite being half-vampire!

I shuffled over to the door, and with much difficulty - the fluff was in the way - opened the door.

Kirethren was there when I opened the door and I tried not to take offense when he jumped with a start, staring at me with wide, fearful eyes.

"Oh. My. God." Liane said. At first, I was glad. At least she agreed that this dress was horrible. "Ba-_aa_!" she giggled, surveying me and walking in circles around me. "You are one hot pink sheep!"

"What?"

"She..." Kirethren started, then had to clear his throat as he trailed off. "She looks like some twisted Barbie Livestock Gangster edition," He stared at the fuzzy hood partially obscuring my face.

"Well, I'm sure the Vampaneze Lord likes sheep! Who doesn't?" Liane said, grabbing onto the fluffiness of my dress, stroking it and giggling again.

"Yeah, but _pink_ sheep?" I argued.

"I don't think the Lord likes livestock of any kind..." Kirethren commented.

"But he likes pink, doesn't he?" Liane asked Kirethren.

"I... really wouldn't know. We're really not that close..." Kirethren said.

"You know, it's really hard to breathe in this thing..." I remarked, breathing in deeply as all the fluff compressed my body, not allowing my lungs enough space to expand.

"You're not? Then how exactly are we going to get into the base?" Liane demanded, ignoring my comment and talking straight to Kirethren.

"Easily. But I never said I knew the Lord of the Vampaneze. Nobody does," Kirethren shrugged.

"Then what'll happen if we get caught?"

"Well, you'll be sentenced to death...?" Kirethren offered, seemingly unsure. I was barely listening, fanning myself under all the layers of heavy fluff.

"What? Damn it, Kirethren. I thought you said you could help us!"

"I can!"

"I..." Liane sniffed, a crystalline tear sliding down her cheek. "I thought you loved me..." _LIAR! s_creamed every part of my being. I'd seen enough of Liane's acting and bipolar nature to not be surprised at this sudden transition. Kirethren wasn't.

"I... I kind of..." Kirethren hesitated, not knowing what to say.

"Guys..." I interrupted, starting to get hot flushes like a menopausal lady.

They ignored me. As usual.

"Liane, don't..."

"You.. You... I really did..."

"You really did what?"

"I really lov-"

That's when I passed out from lack of oxygen.


	7. Chapter 7: Pedicures

**Disclaimer:** I feel so lazy today that I'm just going with the normal. Darren Shan Saga/Cirque Du Freak's plot characters and such don't belong to me.

**A/N: **Just so you know, I live in Australia, where the driver sits on the right side. Just to let you know that's how I imagined this chapter, and the coming scene.

Also, this is so very embarrassing to admit, but I love Barbie! Just the movies. The dolls creep me to death. Though I kind of like some of their clothes. It's just the epitome of my childhood, you know?

Very short chapter. Don't worry, it works in with the plot, just barely.

Thanks to DarrenShanForeva123, S.L. Gibbs and Vanchanaut7 for the reviews of the last chapter. Nice to see you all like pink fluffy dresses too. Or like to laugh at someone wearing them.

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><p><em>Chapter 7 Pedicures<em>

When I woke up, I was in something movable that shook and vibrated, moving from side to side when it went around a corner. Opening my eyes, I saw that I was in the back seat of a car.

"Where are we going?" I asked Liane who was sitting comfortably in the passenger seat, giving herself a manicure.

"To see the Lord of the Vampaneze, silly," she told me. She paused in her nail-beautification to look back at me. "You're lucky I told you to wear that dress you know. If you hadn't you would have hit your head pretty hard when you fainted. But thanks to the great me, you had the fluffy hood to shelter your head,"

"I wouldn't have fainted if I wasn't wearing that dress,"

"I have no idea what you're talking about," was all she said before resuming tending to her nails.

I sat up in the back seat as Kirethren continued to drive silently. I wondered what had happened while I'd been unconscious, what with the whole drama between them. Maybe something else happened? The whole atmosphere in the car seemed kind of awkward, and tense.

Liane seemed to sense this, if her next request was any indication. "Give me your foot," She looked over her shoulder at me.

"What?" Kirethren and I asked in confusion.

"I'll give you a pedicure, give me your foot,"

"Uh... I don't think that's such a good idea," I said.

"Just give it,"

"Actually, I'm going to have to go with Livestock Barbie on this and say it's not a good idea," Kirethren said.

Liane rolled her eyes. "I told you, Kirethren, Darren can't be a Barbie. Barbies have blonde hair. It's her friend Teresa that's a brunette. Midge is too, but she's married,"

"...I seriously don't want to know how you know all that information," Kirethren said.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever, now give me that foot!" Liane reached behind, grabbed ahold of my left foot and pulled it to the front. I screamed and writhed in an attempt to escape as my whole body was dragged towards the front of the car, and pulled from the comfortable seating position.

In my squirming, I accidentally kicked Kirethren's head with my other foot. Then we were thrown towards the side as he accidentally twisted the steering wheel to the side when I kicked him.

"Let me go!" I shouted.

"Not until I file your toenails!" she struggled to remove the satin-ish ballet flats I wore. As much as I hated how uncomfortable female clothing was, I had no choice. Liane had literally burned all my male clothing.

"Stop!" Kirethren roared as he swerved to get back on the road, and narrowly avoided crashing into a traffic light.

* * *

><p>"Remind me never to travel with you guys again," Kirethren remarked.<p>

"It wasn't our fault you totalled the car!" Liane said.

"Yes, actually, it was," Kirethren said as they ran away from the site of the accident, leaving the wreck behind to be discovered by someone.

"But come on! Look at her toenails. They're positively horrifying,"

"Hey, I resent that," I said, offended, looking down at my satin covered feet.

"They are, sweetie. Let's just hope the Vampaneze Lord doesn't ever see your feet. It looks like it's been mauled,"

"Like I said, remind me never to travel with you guys again," Kirethren repeated.


	8. Chapter 8: Sirdehburrhers

**Disclaimer:** The Darren Shan Saga/Cirque Du Freak originally belongs to Darren Shan... But someday I'll own Steve. Someday.

**A/N:** The idea for the name of the new character came from the movie Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs. Man, I love that movie.

Thanks to DarrenShanForeva123 for being the only one to review... Again. Love you, Crystal.

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><p><em>Chapter 8 Sirdehburrhers<em>

"Okay, now remember, guys like it when you play hard to get. All you need to do is get their attention first," Liane said, all business-like again.

"I know. I used to be a guy, remember?" I replied.

"Well, for a guy, you suck at knowing how to treat and seduce men,"

"I agree, actually," Kirethren said.

"You... You... You guys are mean!" I shouted and stomped off. I think my female hormones were getting to me. Is this how girls felt? No wonder they were such female-dogs all the time.

We were in a forest, en route to intersect the Lord of the Vampaneze and pretend to be on his side. Liane, who was a full vampire, had to pretend that she would be a vampire infiltrator spy. And I had to pretend that I was going to be blooded and become a vampaneze by Kirethren.

"Stupid succubus... Stupid vampaneze," I muttered childishly to myself.

Then something moved in the bushes before me. I froze. The bushes shook violently. Like a fish flopping about the ground looking for water.

Just as I was about to tackle it, something burst out from the cloud of leaves, something small and pink, and covered in mud.

I screeched, and ran. I'd discovered recently that both my speed and stamina had increased, a result of being continuously chased by Liane.

"AIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" I screamed, my legs moving faster than I could think. The pinkness of the thing made me think of the dress, and I ran even faster, fearful tears streaming from my eyes.

"Wait!" the little pink thing called in a voice that sounded like it had inhaled one too many helium balloons.

I could see Liane and Kirethren in the distance and I raced towards them. Their heads lifted and they watched me, with eyes red and dry from being blown from the wind hitting my face - due to the speed at which I was running - and some pink, muddy thing hot on my heels.

I'd almost reached them when the pink creature grabbed my ankle and I fell, dragging the little thing with me as we both rolled to where my companions were.

"Get it off me!" I shouted in terror.

"Oh, no, we can't do that. It's just far too entertaining," Liane said.

"Liane, I can't believe they actually made you a mentor to some unfortunate half-vampire," Kirethren said, bending down to help pull the pink thing off me.

"Me neither," Liane chuckled sadistically.

"What is this?" Kirethren frowned, until the creature leapt off me.

Its huge turquoise eyes stared at both of us, then tears started to run out of it, streaming and sprouting out like a fountain.

"You ran away from meeeeeeeee!" it whined.

We let it continue to wail for a few seconds, then I spoke.

"What the heck are you?" I asked.

"I'm Sirdehburrhers!" it answered.

A long silence.

"You're what?"

"Sirdehburrhers!"

"I'm sorry, something seems to be stuck in my ears..." I said, slapping the side of my head like I often did when my ears were filled with water after swimming. "Could you say that one more time?"

"Sirdehburrhers,"

"...Guys, did you hear that?"

"Yup," Liane answered. Kirethren nodded.

"What's your name, then?" I asked the little thing.

It looked up at me in confusion.

"It's Sirdehburrhers," it said. Seeing my confusion, it picked up a stick. I flinched, and got into my kung fu stance, but I needn't have worried. It wasn't thinking of launching some surprise attack.

_Haha, that's embarrassing... _

I retracted from my over-dramaticised pose.

It wrote several strange, curvy letters in the ground with the stick instead.

S... D... B... H... S...

"S.D.B.H.S.?" Liane frowned, confused.

"Sirdehburrhers," she corrected.

"What does it stand for? Wait, doesn't it even stand for anything?" I asked.

"It's my full name! Super Delicious Beautiful Happy Sugar!" SDBHS said happily.

"It sounds like the brand name of an Asian sweet," I heard Liane whisper to Kirethren.

"Why is it that you get angry when I say racist things like that but you're fine with saying it yourself?" Kirethren asked.

"Because I'm hypocritical,"

"...who named you again?" I asked the muddy creature.

"I named myself!" it replied cheerfully.

"...And how do you pronounce it again?"

"Sirdehburrhers!"

"Stir Beers?"

"Sirdehburrhers!"

"So dead her purse?"

"No, no, NO! Sirdehburrhers!"

"...Can't I call you by the first syllable or something?"

"No! I shortened it to Sirdehburrhers already! Call me Sirdehburrhers or Super Delicious Beautiful Happy Sugar!"

"I say we leave it behind," Kirethren interrupted suddenly.

The pink, muddy thing started to cry, tears causing its eyes to glisten. It looked up at us, its lower lip wobbling, threatening to cry.

"Whoa, don't you dare-" Kirethren started.

The little thing burst into a loud wail, accompanied by large fountain spouts of water.

"WAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

"No, dont-"

"WAAAAAAAAAHHHHH-" The tears started to wash away all the mud, revealing a pink-haired, tiny - almost as small as Evanna, except not all butch like the witch - child with a flourescent pink dress on.

"Listen!"

"-AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH-"

"Okay, you can come!"

"Ahhhhh..." She tapered off. Kirethren sighed in relief.

"Impressive. I need to try that on my next victim- I mean, my next man," Liane muttered.

"Don't," was all I said in reply.

"Yaaaaayyyyy!" SDBHS shouted and jumped up and down excitedly.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **So Sirdehburrhers joins the gang! I don't really know why... I mean, don't we have enough additional characters already?


	9. Chapter 9: Posing

**Disclaimer:** The Darren Shan Saga/Cirque Du Freak is Darren Shan's in this universe. I'm sure somewhere out there is a parallel universe where I own Steve and Gannen... I'm gonna start drooling.

**A/N:** Kyaaaa! I'm late! I'm so sorry. It's my last full week of high school, so I've been super-busy. I apologise. But, it's still Friday at least! Right? Right? _Right?_

Thanks to DarrenShanForeva123 for reviewing the last chapter, and also to Sabrina D. Sabrina, I wish you had an actual account, I so wanted to reply to your review! It was extremely adorable, and made my day. Thank you. And DarrenShanForeva123, if I told you anymore times how much I love you I feel like you might bash my head in.

* * *

><p><em>Chapter 9: Posing<em>

"Don't take it off!"

"But it itches!"

"Do as I say serdoblahesh!"

"It's Sirdehburrhers!"

"That's what I said!"

I watched Liane and Sirdehburrhers argue, bored. Liane tried to make SDBHS wear hat that covered the painted V's on the sides of her head, as she was constantly scratching them off. Apparently it was too red for her. She wanted pink V's.

"If you're not disguised as a vampet we can't take you with us," Kirethren tried to reason.

"Well, I-" she started, then gasped. "What is that?" she asked, pointing to Liane's bag.

We were silent for a moment.

"You didn't use lead paint, did you?" I asked Liane.

"No. And she would have to ingest it first... Wouldn't she?" Liane responded unsurely.

"Sgerdrepehas..." Kirethren started.

"Sirdehburrhers!"

"Yes, whatever," he waved away her comment with his hand. "That's a bag," he said, mouthing the words slowly and deliberately.

"It is?" she frowned, her large sea-coloured eyes going wider.

"Oh, yeah, definitely lead paint," I mumbled to Liane under my breath.

"Think so?" Liane frowned, then dabbed some onto her finger and licked it. I recoiled from her in revulsion.

"Did you just-"

"Nope. Doesn't taste like lead," she said, smacking her tongue against the roof of her mouth.

"..." I wasn't too sure how to respond, so I just quietly backed away.

Meanwhile, SDBHS was walking over to Liane's bag, and pulled out something pink and fluffy. I watched in awe as the whole length of fluffiness escaped the bag. It was like one of those magic tricks where the magician pulls out yards of flags on a string from his sleeve.

"How the heck did that fit in there?" Kirethren asked, voicing my thoughts.

SDBHS squealed and put the dress on. The fluff engulfed her completely, and her pink hair blended in with the wooly fluff. Or was that the hood?

"Hey Kirethren, think the Vampaneze Lord would allow a pink sheep to join his cohort?" I asked, a failing attempt at a joke.

"I... Maybe?" he replied cautiously.

"Actually..." Liane said thoughtfully. "It just might work,"

"What?" Kirethren and I said in surprise.

"Yes, I think it will. Okay, it's decided then. I'll be the vampire spy, you be the pre-conversion halfy and syehdubahouse-"

"I said it's Sirdehburrhers!" a squeaky voice emerged from the bundles of pink.

"-will be the pink sheep,"

Kirethren groaned in frustration. "_Why_ are you guys so_ crazy_?"

"Hey!" I cried out, offended.

"But you are!" Kirethren protested. "I mean, why are you even going along with this?"

"Why are _you_?"

"Because I-" he cut off abruptly. I frowned as he glanced quickly to Liane, who was staring contemplatively at SDBHS's feet, and wondered if there was something between the two. I never got to hear the end of their conversation after all.

"Because I love sheep," Kirethren finished lamely.

My attention snapped back to him suddenly, so much so that a joint in my neck went _crack_ as I whipped my head around to stare at him. "_What?_"

"Yeah, I love sheep. You got a problem with that?"

"Yeah, I kinda do..." I said, now backing away from him. But there was no escape for me, Liane could run 100 meters in 0.12 seconds flat. Without flitting. And she fervently believed that me seducing the Vampaneze Lord would end the war.

Goddamn that stupid fountain.

* * *

><p>"Okay, everybody ready?"<p>

Liane stood, posing as she stood on the cliff edge, in full succubus apparel, with cleavage and thighs revealed. Her hands lay on her hips as she looked down towards the ground, smirking haughtily at what lay beneath her.

SDBHS stood beside her, in a serious, we're-going-to-conquer-the-world pose that could rival Liane's, her face schooled into a determined expression... Despite her sheep-ish appearance. The pinkness of her clothing was starting to hurt my eyes.

Kirethren and I stood further to the back, trying to seem like we weren't with the two crazy people standing at the edge of a cliff posing like they were in some weird hero manga.

Beneath us was the Vampaneze Lord's camp, peaceful and serene, set up in the middle of a forest, its inhabitants completely unaware of the dangers approaching them in the form of a petite vampire and pink sheep.

Bolts of lightning blazed across the sky behind Liane and SDBHS, further enhancing the serious, determined atmosphere.

"Let's do this, people," Liane said, assuming role of responsible leader/hero. "Today, we fight for all vampirekind,"

I jumped as a streak of light flashed near me and struck the ground right behind me, leaving a crack in the earth.

"Uh, Liane..." I started, as the crack grew, spreading out sideways.

"Psshhh! Don't interrupt me. As I was saying, today we fight not for ourselves. Even if we are sacrificed, we will be brave..."

"Amen!" SDBHS declared. "Can we eat now? My face hurts from being so frowny. Especially my eyebrows. I don't like knitting them,"

"Shut up, Suhdebloogahs!"

"It's Sirdehburrhers! You're not even bothering to make it sound similar anymore!"

"Just let me finish my speech!"

"What's the point, Liane?" Kirethren sighed, seemingly resigned to his fate. "No one's really listening to you,"

"_I'm_ listening to _me_! Now, where was I?" Liane said, frowning.

"Guys! Oh my god, can't you guys ever pay attention to what I'm saying!" I shouted, as the crack reached almost all the way to each end of the cliff edge.

"Be quiet!" Liane yelled back, her face growing red with frustration. "Oh, now I remember where I-"

_CRACK!_

"-was."

The cliff started to jump off, and, taken by surprise, none of us thought to jump back onto stable land. We just fell with the broken cliff edge, tumbling ever closer to solid land.

...I never even got to say 'I told you so'.


	10. Chapter 10: Yeah huh, Nuh uh

**Disclaimer: **I can't be bothered. I can hardly even sit up straight. You see the button at the bottom of the page that says 'previous'? Click it and you'll see a disclaimer.

**A/N: **So. It would seem I'm sick. And it's my dad's birthday. And I'm a week away from exams. Therefore, I'm too tired to write up apologies for how late this update is. I'll do it in the next chapter.

Thanks to Shamrocks, DarrenShanForeva123 and VelonicaSushi for their reviews of the last chapter... Which I shall get around to replying soon. Aha.

* * *

><p><em>Chapter 10 Yeah-huh, Nuh-uh<em>

"Oww... I think I broke my back..." I commented. I reached behind to touch my back and felt out something long and cylindrical, not to mention broken in the middle. I panicked, thinking that my broken spine had been forced out of my body. Then I realised it wasn't wet with my blood. Hesitantly, I brought the object to the front with much difficulty, it having been attached to my back somehow. I raised an eyebrow at the broken carrot that had been taped to my back.

SDBHS and Liane broke out laughing. SDBHS seemed fine, aside from the dust marring her pink outfit, having had enough fluff to soften her landing. Liane laughed, then broke into a coughing fit.

"Not funny, guys," I muttered bitterly. "Actually, this seems really familiar. Where has this happened before?"

"The Harry Potter movie?" Kirethren asked, seemingly unharmed as well as he helped Liane up.

"No, no, I think it's the Twilight movie!" SDBHS interjected.

"Twilight's too gloomy. No way would they have a scene like that," Liane replied.

"I wish they would," SDBHS said.

Then a sword whizzed past my head, slicing the carrot into eight pieces.

"Who goes there?" asked a voice darkly, red eyes shone from beneath a hood.

"Uh-" I stammered.

"Baaa!" SDBHS decided to come to my rescue, looking upon my attacker with shining eyes.

The red eyes widened. The hooded figure squinted - at least I think he was squinting - at SDBHS.

"Is that-" he questioned wonderingly, but was interrupted by a loud gasp.

"Oh. My. God." I froze, seeing a familiar man with grey hair. He approached us quickly, I flinched back, wondering if he had seen me. I needn't have worried, he walked straight to SDBHS. "Is that... a pink sheep?" Steve asked, his voice hoarse with disbelief. He reached out a trembling hand to pet her fluffy pink head.

"Baaa!" she practically purred beneath his touch. Steve abruptly turned to the hooded person.

"Gannen, can we keep her? Please, please, please, pleeaaaasseeee!" His eyes widened and dilated, turning shiny. The Vampaneze Lord protector took a step back in fear of the much dreaded puppy eyes.

"Don't be ridiculous. Pink sheep don't exist. Sheep are white," Gannen scoffed.

"Or black," I supplied, feeling proud of my wittiness. Gannen Harst glared at me.

"Who are you?"

"I'm Darreeeeee-!" I screeched as Liane pinched the sensitive fat surrounding my tummy.

"-eena," she finished for me, smiling sweetly.

"Darina?" Ganne repeated.

"Yes. She's a half-vampire who wishes to become a true creature of the night. Kirethren here is helping us with that," Liane explained. Gannen nodded at Kirethren in greeting, which Kirethren reciprocated. They seemed to know each other. Liane continued. "And I'm Lee. I was a vampet, but I decided to become a vampire so that I could monitor vampire activities," she said smoothly. I watched her in slight awe - and pain, from the pinch - wondering why she was suddenly acting cool. Then she lifted her hands and flipped back Gannen's hood so quickly that a gust of air from the force of her movement knocked what was left of the vegetable out of my hand. It reminded me of those cartoons where boys try to flip girls' skirts. Except Liane would've been more than happy to show off her panties. "Oooh, you're cute," she giggled, circling him like a wolf. Gannen took another step back, this time away from Liane.

Kirethren rolled his eyes.

In the meantime, Steve was playing with SDBHS, having their very own sheepy conversation.

"Baa?"

"Baaaaaa!"

"Baa, baa, baa?"

"Baa baa!"

"Bababaaa,"

"Baa-aa-aa!"

"Oh my god, I'm so keeping you!" Steve declared. "Come on Gannen, she's the coolest darn sheep we've ever come across. I mean, she's _PINK_!"

"No," Gannen managed to get out, distracted by trying to fend off Liane's subtle - not - advances.

"I'm the Lord of the Vampaneze, I can do whatever I want!" Steve said.

"_You're_ the Lord of the Vampaneze?" I squealed in shock. _Steve'_sthe Lord of the Vampaneze? Since when?

"Yeah," Steve replied, looking at me for the first time. "Hey, you know, I used to know someone with a name like yours. His name was Darren. Did you know him?"

"Why would I know him?" I asked, unable to follow his line of reasoning.

"I don't know. I just assumed you did, since your names are so similar,"

"...That doesn't make any sense,"

"It so does!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yeah-huh!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yeah-huh!"

"Baa!" SDBHS baa-ed merrily, eager to join in the conversation.

"See, she's agreeing with me!" Steve yelled proudly.

"She said baa! Baa can mean anything!" I snapped back.

"It does not! It means Nuh-uh!"

"Yeah-huh!"

"Be quiet!" Gannen roared. "And stop touching me!"

Liane withdrew her hand like she'd been burned, her face displaying how hurt she was. Gannen's angry expression faded. Then Liane burst out crying daintily, dabbing at her eyes - careful not to muss her mascara - with her silk red handkerchief, while Gannen watched her, frozen, conflicted, unsure of how to comfort her.

"Well, this is a great start," Kirethren declared as Steve and I continued arguing.

"Yeah-huh!"

"Nuh-uh!"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **In case you didn't recognise it, the scene they talk about is from Lord of The Rings the first movie, Fellowship of the Ring. It's one of my favourite scenes ever.


	11. Chapter 11: Stupid Journey

**Disclaimer:** Do I really have to type this? I mean, come on, I write it every SINGLE chapter... Fine. I do not own the Darren Shan Saga/Cirque Du Freak or any of its plots, characters, et cetera, et cetera...

**A/N: **Whew. I'm feeling loads better. Sorry guys for last week's late-ish update! I was in such a bad mood too. I'm better now.

Also, my exams have started and I finally got English and Biology over with. Get this, I'll never have to write a school-related essay again! I feel so empowered! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Anywa, now that I'm done boring you all with my personal life, thank you so much to KBerry, CirqueDuFreakForever, MarchHare95 and DarrenShanForeva123 for their kind reviews of the last chapter! I'm glad you all liked it, despite how stoned I felt.

* * *

><p><em>Chapter 11 (Stupid) Journey<em>

"Hmm... Our numbers seem to have increased drastically, what with the new-" Gannen eyed SDBHS suspiciously "-recruits,"

"Baa!"

Gannen ignored her. "So I suggest we return to our base for now,"

"Whaaat?" Steve said. "But we just got here!"

"We've been here for three months,"

"Like I said - we just got here! And moving around's_ boring_,"

Gannen sighed. "It was_ your_ idea to keep moving. And plus, I want to check up on our captive,"

"What captive?" Steve asked, pouting sourly at the thought of having to leave.

"The dark-skinned one. Remember?"

Debbie!

"Oh, her. Whatever. Don't care," Steve said. "Darren left her behind after all. He has such bad taste in women,"

I fumed, but Liane just nodded with Steve quietly.

"Yes, but that's not relevant right now,"

"Insulting Darren's taste in women is always relevant,"

Liane nodded more fervently. Gannen rolled his eyes.

"As you say. Nonetheless, we should leave by nightfall. It should take us a week to get there. We can stop at one of my previous bases on the way to stock up supplies,"

Steve sighed deeply. "Fine, but we're stopping at Cake King on the way,"

"Ooh! Cake King!" I squealed, without realising I'd done so. Liane glared at me. I ignored her. "Can we get the Blueberry Cheese and Martini Cake!"

It was Steve's turn to gasp. "Yes! We should get that! And the Doughnut and Pancake-Cake-Cake!"

"Yeah! And the Sherry Berry Very Scary Cake! And we absolutely have to get-"

"Most definitely we must get-"

"The Strawberry Honey and Bee-Guts Cake!" Steve and I exclaimed together, simultaneously.

"Bee-guts?" Kirethren echoed, his face scrunched up in disgust. Steve and I nodded fervently.

"It's the very best!"

"The greatest!"

"Did you think the Choc Cheese was disgusting?" Steve asked me suddenly.

"Duh!" I replied. "I mean, come on, as if anybody would like that ordinary flavour,"

Steve's eyes were twinkling at me. "Let's get married,"

"I'm sorry?" I asked, taken aback.

"Gannen, I found my soul mate!"

Behind us, I saw Liane face palm and shake her head.

"Baa!" was SDBHS's only reaction.

* * *

><p>There wasn't any follow-up on the whole 'let's-get-married' thing, so I assumed Steve was joking. Which made me sad in a weird way. Oh god. I was turning into a girl.<p>

Oh wait. I'd already done that.

"Gannen, I'm bored," Steve complained. Gannen looked at the Vampaneze Lord irritably.

"What do you want _me _to do about it?" he asked.

"Do something. Entertain me,"

"Alright then. From the beginning of time, we Vampaneze have always been-"

"Sheep, entertain me," Steve said quickly. Gannen looked annoyed but shrugged it off easily.

SDBHS put a finger - which Steve didn't notice - to her chin, then a lightbulb turned on over her head.

She started dancing. "Ba Ba Ba Ba Ba Ba _Baa_! Ba Ba Ba Ba Ba Ba _Baa_! Ba Ba Ba Ba Ba Ba Ba!" CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! She did the chicken dance moves as she sang.

"Uh... The chicken dance?" Steve guessed.

"Baa!" she frowned, shaking her head.

"The sheep dance?" I guessed. SDBHS lit up, and pointed a finger at me excitedly.

Steve narrowed his eyes at me. "Damn you,"

I flipped my hair at him, laughing haughtily.

"Baa, baa baa baa baa~" SDBHS started flapping her hands slowly, and moving her hips from side to side.

"Tahiti?" I guessed. SDBHS shook her head and continued her motion.

"It's the Hula!" Steve said quickly. SDBHS brightened, and pointed a finger at him. It was my turn to glare at him as he laughed behind a hand mockingly, in the way those Victorian medieval ladies of court laughed behind a fan at inferior peasants.

"You guys are so immature," Liane commented with a roll of her eyes.

We ignored her.

"Ballet!" I shouted, fighting to top Steve.

"Hip-Hop!"

"Trepak!"

"Broadway!"

"Bollywood!"

An hour later, Steve, SDBHS and I lay puffing on the middle of the road, exhausted.

"I... win..." Steve got out between pants.

"No... I... win..." I said, trying to be heard over my wheezing.

"Baaaaaaa..." SDBHS managed to get out weakly.

Five minutes later, our breathing had calmed but we were still deathly tired.

"I can't take this anymore," Steve said. "Gannen, carry me," Gannen closed his eyes in resignation, let out a gusty breath, and pulled Steve onto his back. Steve grinned at me from the back of his protector. I stuck a tongue out at him.

SDBHS tugged on Kirethren's pant leg to get his attention, then looked up at him, arms spread like a child.

"Baa?" she pleaded.

He, too, sighed then picked her up and put her on his back. She sighed blissfully as she snuggled onto his back, relieved of having to walk.

I looked around for someone to do the same for me, and my eyes landed on my petite mentor.

She raised an eyebrow at me, as if to say 'don't even think about it'.

"Damn it,"

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** Did this in a rush, so it's not as good as usual.


	12. Chapter 12: Extremely Expensive

**Disclaimer:** The disclaimer is a disclaimer. It disses my claim that the Darren Shan Saga/Cirque Du Freak belongs to me.

**A/N:** One exam to go, then I'm going to work on finishing this story. Yay!

Thank so much to DarrenShanForeva123 and KBerry, for the as usual awesomely awesome reviews of the last chapter. I love getting reviews. It's so very encouraging.

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><p><em>Chapter 12 Extremely Expensive<em>

"Darina, do I have to remind you that you're..." Liane looked around carefully, before leaning in. "supposed to be seducing Steve," she whispered to me conspiratorially.

"Uh... I know that. I'm working on it," I said.

"Work harder! We need to stop this war soon, and fast!"

"Okay, okay, jeez,"

"If we don't, we'll be stuck travelling around here with this lot, and I'll never get to kiss another guy!"

"What are you talking about? There's plenty of guys. What about all the Vampaneze travelling with us to protect Steve?" I asked, referring to the four vampaneze who trodded behind us solemnly.

Liane winked at me and skipped off. My jaw dropped at her silent insinuation. She had already seduced them, and gotten bored of them. And we'd only been travelling four days.

"We're here," Gannen told us, and I was snapped out of my scheming. I had yet to come up with a plan to seduce Steve. I silently cursed the errant thoughts of cakes appearing in my mind.

A large mansion loomed into sight, with thunder and dark clouds making up its backdrop.

"Uh... Where are we again?" I asked nervously as a bolt of thunder roared through the skies ominously.

"A supply storage, and one of our lesser bases. We shall be sheltering here during the day," Gannen explained, and stepped in.

We followed after him. I took one step into the house...

And my leg fell through the wooden boards.

"Oh, be careful, this house is quite old," Gannen said redundantly.

"And you tell me this_ now_, because...?" I hissed in annoyance, trying to pull my leg free. Liane watched me unhelpfully.

"I think you need to go on a diet, sweetheart. Even your foot is accumulating fat," she told me.

I glared at her. "Are you going to complain about the visual appeal of my leg or actually help me?"

"Complain about the visual appeal of your leg. It's funner. And seriously - cut back on the chocos. You're really not getting free,"

"Baaa!" SDBHS answered, which I translated as 'I'll help you!'. I looked to her gratefully... Until I saw that it was a chain saw she held in her hand. It made that loud, buzzing noise that all chain saws make and I screamed.

"Oh, good idea, sheep! Cut off her leg and she'll be free," Steve said admiration evident in his voice.

"No!" I shouted, as SDBHS swung the saw at me... And cut a perfect heart in the floor with four swings, ending her attack in a perfect anime fighter pose. "Phew," was all I got out before I was falling down into the basement, with SDBHS, Liane, Steve and Gannen.

* * *

><p>Groans rang out into the dark air as everyone picked themselves up. I heard a match striking against something then an oil lamp was lit, brightening the dark basement.<p>

"Everyone alright?" Gannen asked.

"No... I think I-" I pulled out another vegetable that'd been taped onto my back. It was a radish this time, cracked in the middle. I noticed Liane and SDBHS stiffling their giggles. "Very funny. When did you guys even tape it on?"

"A while back," Liane said innocently.

I muttered to myself angrily under my breath, while Gannen tried to find a door leading out of the basement and back up.

Meanwhile, Steve found way to entertain himself, snooping around the dust-filled basement. He prodded a china vase atop a pedestal.

"Hey Gannen, what's that?"

"It's an extremely expensive-"

_Crash!_

"Oops."

"..."

"Hey, what's this then- Oops,"

_Slam! Crash!_

"Sorry, Gannen. Hey, how about-"

"Stop touching things!" Gannen yelled.

Steve pouted. "Aww, you're no fun, Gannen,"

Gannen, too, started muttering beneath his breath. A door opened abruptly, bathing us in a bright light.

"Nooo! Sunlight! I'm melting!" Steve shouted suddenly, covering his face with his arms.

"Wait, aren't you a half-vampaneze?" I asked.

"So?" Steve asked distractedly as he kept trying to shield his precious face.

"...Never mind," I muttered, watching his valiant - but unnecessary - efforts to protect his face.

"Are you guys coming out of there or do I have to keep standing here holding this lamp?" Kirethren asked, throwing back the door so that the whole room lit up from the brightness of the lit lamp.

Steve took a hesitant peek at the source of light, then straightened. "I knew it wasn't sunlight. I was just testing the lot of you. You all failed, by the way," Then he strode out of the room haughtily, pretending that he hadn't been ducking for cover just seconds ago.

"You want me to seduce _that_?" I asked Liane. She shrugged.

"Stupid people are easier to manipulate,"

"...Right."


	13. Chapter 13: Attack of the Pedobear

**Disclaimer:** The Darren Shan Saga/Cirque Du Freak belongs to Darren Shan. You know what belongs to me? A pacer and a playstation two. These are the only things I have that I've actually earned. Everything else I got from parasiting my parents... Why am I telling you guys these?

**A/N:** So! It would seem my exams are finally over! Yayyyyy! Unfortunately, I've been pretty busy lately, so I haven't been able to work on this story so much, which is why this update is so late. But! I will soon. Don't worry.

Thank yous, as always, to DarrenShanForeva123, KBerry and Mason and Alex for their reviews of the last chapter! They made me so very happy!

* * *

><p><em>Chapter 13 Attack of the Pedobear<em>

"I'm sooooo tired of walking," Steve whined.

"You're not even the one walking," Gannen grunted. Steve laughed at him from his back.

"Why couldn't we stay at the house?"

"Because you kept breaking stuff. And before you ask, we couldn't take the train because one- we are vampaneze and two- Darina spent all our money on cake,"

"Mnnn, cake..." Steve and I sighed together, recalling the sugary goodness that was the cake.

"It was beckoning to us," I said truthfully. Liane shook her head.

"That's why you're so fat," she said. I glared at her.

"I am _not_ fat!" I protested indignantly. Steve coughed subtly. "Shut up! I'm curvy,"

"Well, I guess it's true... It's nicer to have girls with more to grab onto, anyway." Steve shrugged, eyeing me lecherously.

My eyes widened. "Fat fetish," Liane muttered.

"Am not! Okay... Maybe I am," Steve said.

"Lucky you, Darina," Liane grinned at me. I rolled my eyes.

We walked on in silence for a while, which was great. Finally - peace.

"Are we there yet?" Steve asked.

"No," Gannen answered.

"Are we there yet?"

"No!"

"Are we-"

"Baaaaaa!" SDBHS bleated all of a sudden and bolted off into the woods.

"Wait, sheep! Come back!" Steve pushed off from his protector's back roughly, kicking Gannen over in the process and ran after the sheep/person/thing.

"Should we wait for-" I asked as Gannen picked himself up.

"No," he said instantly and continued his trek down the path. Shrugging, the rest of us followed.

"I lost her," A watery eyed Steve said as he met up with us later on, his hair mussed with leaves and branches stuck in it, and his clothes appearing to have torn in several places.

"Well done. Let's go," Gannen said.

"But-But! Gannen!" Steve whined. "We have to go back for her,"

And so Steve proceeded to spend the next four hours telling us why we should.

Even as we were laying down for the day, he continued to whine.

"It's a pink sheep! Come on! Ganneeeeeeennn!"

I groaned in my sleeping bag. Its fuzzy material did nothing to block out Steve's voice. In the end, I left the cave we had sheltered in, sighing in satisfaction as Steve's voice faded into the distance.

* * *

><p>I sat in a large body of warm water, sighing in satisfaction. I'm not so sure how it came to be in such a place, on which entity's whimsical fancy that it was created, but I was thankful. It had been way too long since I last got a bath. In fact, it had been before I transformed.<p>

That particular piece of information weighed down in my head so heavily that I found myself submerged in the water.

I was naked. Female. With a still relatively male mind.

I did the scan of guilt, turning my neck as far as it could go, making sure nobody was around, Then, hesitantly, I placed my hands on my shoulders and started to move it down. Sure, I'd changed several times since becoming female but never got to see my reflection or spend any time exploring.

My hands slid down further. Heart pounding, my hands slipped over the first bump, when...

"Darren!"

"AHHHHHH!" I screamed at the male voice who'd called my voice. "I wasn't doing anything!" I immediately denied.

"Darren?" the voice sounded slightly confused now. I stared in the direction of the voice, an ominous feeling causing my heart to drop into my stomach.

Something large and orange, and furry emerged from the bushes. I screamed again.

"Get ahold of yourself, Darren Shan!" The masculine voice emerging from the creature scolded me.

"W-Wha- Mr Crepsley?" I could feel my eyes widening and pupils dilating to take in any familiar features of the orange bear.

"Yes, it is me. I-" he stopped and stared at me, his eyes dipping below my neckline.

I quickly plunged my torso back into the water. "My eyes are up here, you-you-you pedobear!"

He looked affronted that I would call him a pedobear. "I was not staring at your chest," he denied in a flat voice that made me instantly suspicious.

"Yeah right! What the hell are you doing here!"

"Surprise!" Something pink and fluffy sprang out of the bushes beside the Crepsley-pedobear. "He's going to help us steal candy from the Vampaneze!"

"No, I am going to assist you in ending the war. You are taking far too long, Darren. The simple task of seducing and killing Steve is not too difficult, is it?" Mr Crepsley asked me.

"...You say that because you haven't been spending time with Steve," was all I could say in reply. Then, with my advanced intelligence, I realised something. "Wait, what do you mean 'kill'?"

"Kill. Murder. End his life. Is that not the point of this mission?"

"No! I'm only meant to make him end the war by seducing him... Aren't I?"

"Casualties are building up, Darren, to persuade him will take too long, and may be impossible. You must kill him. It is your duty,"

"Wait! Wait, wait, wait," SDBHS said, giving us the time-out sign. "Wasn't the reason we're infiltrating the Japanese-"

"Vampaneze," I corrected. She looked at me dumbly for a second.

"-Japaneze-" she continued, ignoring me. "-was to steal their candy?"

"...Why would you possibly think that?"

The fluff shook up and down and it took me a while to realise she was shrugging.

"Are you telling me you believed stealing candy to be our true purpose all along?" Mr Crepsley asked.

SDBHS grinned goofily and nodded.

"Darren, where did you find this... _thing?_" he asked.

I shrugged. "I don't quite remember,"

Silence descended on us as we each pondered the new information. I shivered as the water continued to sap my warmth. I cleared my throat, drawing the attention of both wild - faux - animals to me.

"Can I get changed now?"

"Sure," SDBHS said cheerily.

Neither strangely dressed creatures moved.

"Alone, maybe?" I added.

"Of course," Mr Crepsley nodded.

Still neither moved.

"Fantastic," I muttered.


	14. Chapter 14: Dilemma

**Disclaimer: **I don't get why we have to write disclaimers. As if the name of the site doesn't give enough clues as to the fact that these are _**NOT**_ original stories, and most of its characters and plot was taken from an original story written by some other author (e.g. Darren Shan)

**A/N: **I'm sorry! I know this update is pretty darn late. I'd like to say I tried... but in truth I probably didn't try as hard as I should. Sorry!

Thank you to KBerry, DarrenShanForeva123, Shamrocks and X-Jinxa-X for reviewing the last chapter! Okay, on with the update.

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><p><em>Chapter 14 Dilemma<em>

"So, this is Bear. Sheep found him and so he's going to travel with us," I explained tiredly. A hyper sheep and a pedobear was _horrible_ company.

"Sheep! And ooh, it's an orange bear! Does it make any noise?" Steve asked excitedly.

"Uh... Grrr?" Mr Crepsley quickly improvised.

"Wait, that's-" Liane started but I nudged her, causing her to not finish what she was about to say. She looked at me in annoyance, and then nudged me back. I flew into a tree trunk from the force.

"...Where are all these oddly coloured creatures coming from?" Gannen wondered.

"Hey, Bear, you look familiar. Have we met before?" Steve asked, looking at Mr Crepsley closely, before circling him scrutinisingly.

"Grrr!" Mr Crepsley shook his head adamantly.

"No? Okay," Steve shrugged. "Come on, Sheep, let's go tear off some leaves from a tree and feed it to Bear,"

"Baa!"

"Grrr?"

"...Am I the only one who has an issue with a bear shaking his head in response to a question?" Kirethren muttered to Liane.

"Really? I was thinking more of the colour of its fur. Shouldn't it be purple or something? Carebears are usually purple. Or dark pink. Or yellow. Why is it orange? Suspicious." Liane said, narrowing her eyes.

"...Yeah. Orange. Suspicious," Kirethren sighed.

* * *

><p>At first, I wondered if Liane even knew Mr Crepsley had joined our group. This was rest assured when during lunch, she had passed him by, and when no one was looking, grabbed his behind rapidly with her enhanced speed. It was so quick I had nearly missed it.<p>

The only reason I learned of it was because of the high-pitched squeal Mr Crepsley emitted, that forced me to do a double-take.

Liane actually molested a pedobear.

He looked back at her dumbly. She winked. That was the only clue I got as to that Liane knew his identity.

* * *

><p>I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself, before walking forward towards the figure clad in black that was reclining lazily under a tree, watching the bear and sheep play.<p>

"Hey Steve," I said. He sat up.

"Hey, what's four times eighteen?"

"Um..." I looked at my fingers cluelessly, before realising I didn't have eighteen fingers. "A hundred and eighty-four?"

"I knew it!"

"..."

"Sit," he patted the ground beside him. I took another deep breath as I recalled Liane's words.

_"Just try and touch him accidentally on purpose. All guys like being touched." she told me with a wink, as my mind automatically retrieved the memory of her slapping Mr Crepsley's furry, orange behind. Shudder._

"So... What are your plans for the world after you conquer it, Vampaneze Lord?" I asked, trying to distract him so he wouldn't notice me touching him..

"Oh, I don't know... Maybe get a Cake King established within every ten metre radius of this planet?"

"Ooh, Cake King!" I squealed. He grinned at me. I cleared my throat, remembering my mission. Like a ninja, I snaked my hand closer to him, aiming for his thigh.

"And!" He grabbed ahold of my hand, and I squeaked in terror at being caught. He mistook it for excitement. "We'll make them destroy all the crappy recipes!"

I was furiously thinking of a way to touch him... Before I registered exactly what he had said. "...All of them?"

He nodded. "Every single one," he ennunciated carefully.

I squealed again, unable to contain my joy, and standing up in my excitement. "Yay!" I didn't care about touching him anymore, all I cared about was the spongy deliciousness that were cakes. _Good_ cakes.

Then I realised something. Won't he have to win the war first to be able to take over the world and get rid of Cake King's crappy recipes? I gasped.

"Oh no!"

"What?"

"Oh no!"

"What?"

What a dilemma! I could see both paths laid out before me, each leading to certain death, a horrible future, trees burning in the background, me puking up cakes that _should_ be delicious... Amidst my vision was a hand waving before my face.

"Hellooooo? Darina?"

When I didn't reply, Steve stopped waving his hand in front of my face, and instead opted to walk behind me and slap my butt.

"GYAH! What was that for?"

"Oh good, you're alive,"

Even through the chaos going on in my head I wondered if I had still accomplished my mission if he had touched me instead of me touching him.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** Hey guys, if you see less updates for this fic from now on... It's because I have no clue what to write. As you can tell. I've been super-busy lately, even though my exams have ended.

Also, I'm going off to visit my home country on the 10th of December. And after a lot of internal debating, I've decided not to update my stories during this period of time. Simply because-

1, Internet connection's kind of ambiguous. I have no idea if I'll even get any access to the internet.

2, I'm running out of updates. Most of them were more or less prewritten, so it was fine, but now I think I need to step on it and write more. Problem is I don't think I'll get time to do so.

3, I'm not so sure what I want out of this story for the time being. Think I need to think about what I'm doing with it.

I'm really sorry, and I hope you'll understand. I'll probably update once - maybe twice. Maybe. - in the coming two weeks but after that there'll be a month and a half wait. Sorry.


	15. Chapter 15: Victory

**Disclaimer: **I own CAKE KING! MWAHAHAHAHA!

**A/N: **You know how to get motivation for a humour fic? Listen to Nyan Cat. For eight hours.

Thanks so much to DarrenShanForeva123, X-Jinxa-X, Shamrocks and KBerry for their reviews of the last chapter. To be truthful, I didn't really want to update this story before my trip, but re-reading the reviews just made me feel like I had to. Thank you so much for the encouragements and reading this admittedly weird story!

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><p><em>Chapter 15 Victory<em>

Cakes... or Vampire clan?

Cakes... Or Vampires?

Cakes... Ooh, vampire cake... I wonder how it would taste...

When I really think about it, can beautiful, succulent, amazing cakes really compare to a bunch of buff, pale dudes covered in scars? Really, what's the dilemma?

Then again, I suppose all of humanity would be sacrificed too, hmm...

"DARINA!" Liane screamed in my ear using a megaphone.

I jumped, and glared at my mentor, before snatching away the bullhorn. "WHAT?" I yelled back at her. She pulled the object out of my hands.

"STOP DAYDREAMING!" Her amplified voice blared at me.

We were so busy arguing that neither of us noticed Gannen stomping towards us until he stole away the megaphone. "SHUT UP!" He yelled at us. Both of us winced at his loud silencing.

"Wow, PMS much..." Liane muttered. Gannen let out a frustrated yell, then lifted the megaphone high into the air, ready to throw and shatter it upon the ground.

"BAAAAAAAAAAA!" SDBHS screamed, then clambered over Gannen, took hold of the megaphone and bit his arm. He released it immediately and SDBHS ran off with the voice amplifier, cackling gleefully.

"...She's kind of out of character today," Liane whispered to me.

"Considering how extreme she usually is, something like that doesn't surprise me," I replied.

Liane nodded, then skipped off to Gannen, who returned to his rightful place in front of our group. She slipped a hand inside the crook of his arm. "So, sweetie, tell me why the Vampaneze can't take buses,"

He gave her a look. You know, the look where you scrunch up one eye, your nostrils flare and you stick out your tongue on one side of your mouth and wiggle your ear- Oh wait, that's something else. Anyway, he gave her a _look_. Then he tried to ease her arm away from his. Unfortunately, he had no idea that Lesson #22 on how to be a succubus involved gaining arm strength to make sure your prey could not escape.

"Uh... My arm is going numb," he told Liane. She just giggled and whacked him with her other arm as if he was kidding... which judging by the way his arm seemed looser, he wasn't. He then cleared his throat and like the man he was, decided to ignore the clamping on his arm. "Anyway, we Vampaneze must abide by our traditions. We stay away from transportation like buses and trains, as well as weapons like guns-"

"Old-fashioned bums," Steve muttered.

"-and various other technology," Gannen finished, ignoring Steve.

"Hey, if that's the case, how come Kirethren can dri-"

Kirethren slapped a hand over my face. I struggled as he cut off my access to any air supply.

"Mmmm!" I struggled.

"What did she say?" Gannen asked sharply.

"She was wondering why I dry my clothes by hanging them on a line instead of a branch,"

"You do that, Kirethren?" Gannen's asked. Kirethren nodded, hanging his head in mock shame. Gannen shook his head disapprovingly, tsking.

And so, thanks to Kirethren's great sin, the next hour we spent walking was spent with an awkward atmosphere hanging over our heads, with Gannen continuously looking back at Kirethren, shaking his head, and going "Tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk _tsk_..."

* * *

><p>"We're here," Gannen said, his monotone, gravelly voice making the announcement even more boring than it should be.<p>

"We're here? It looks so... normal," Liane commented. As opposed to the ominous mansion we stayed in, this one was brightly lit... by the moonlight.

"Baaa!" SDBHS bleated, then raced forward towards the house. Steve promptly followed after her... Before being pulled back by Gannen.

"Why?" Steve asked irritably at having been stopped from following his beloved pink sheep/pet/thing.

"!" SDBHS screamed, her voice fading and bouncing off some walls as she disappeared down a hole.

"...That's why," Gannen answered.

"Ohhhh, riight. Vampaneze traps. Gotcha. I'll be careful," Steve answered, then took one step forward, and fell into the hole SDBHS had fallen into. "AHHHHHHHHH!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Gannen grabbed at the air just as Steve fell.

And that's how we won the War of the Scars.

….

….

….

….

….

….

….

….

….

"Hey, there's a fluffy cloud in here," Steve's voice floated up the hole.

...Damn it.

"Baaaa..." SDBHS bleated weakly.

"Oh, it's you," Steve said.

* * *

><p>An hour and many holes later, we finally got to the front door of the base.<p>

"...Isn't it ridiculous that we took five chapters to get here?" Liane remarked, dusting off some mud from her clothes.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Kirethren asked, frowning at her.

"...Nothing," Liane answered. Kirethren shrugged.

"How is it that none of you can't remember any of the traps you placed?" I asked Steve, plucking a leaf out of his hair.

The Vampaneze shrugged.

I sighed, then turned my gaze onto the Vampaneze base, promising myself that while we're here, for sure, I'll seduce Steve.

Then take over Cake King and burn all those crappy recipes.

Mm, cake.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** So, my flight's tonight! And I wrote this entire chapter yesterday. Am I amazing or what?

Anyway, see you guys in a month or so! Hopefully I'll have an update by then... Keep your fingers crossed.


	16. Chapter 16: Slightly Psychic

**Disclaimer:** I nearly owned the graphic novel volume eight of the Darren Shan Saga, but changed my mind and put it back. So, I don't own the Darren Shan Saga/Cirque Du Freak or any of its characters or plot, _or,_ volume 8 of the Darren Shan Saga graphic novels. I'm very sad. I own nada.

**A/N:** Hey guys! Finally - I'm back! I know it's a little late, but, thanks so much for all the well-wishes. It made me so happy to see them. Really - thank you.

And of course, thank you to DarrenShanForeva123 and KBerry for their reviews of the next chapter.

I still don't quite know what I'm doing with this story.

* * *

><p><em>Chapter 16 Slightly Psychic<em>

"Where is the captive?" Gannen asked in his I'm-the-boss tone.

"She's with R.V." Some random vampaneze answered. "Lord," the vampaneze bowed at Steve.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Any cake left?"

"Uh..."

"Enough, Steve! We must go see the hostage!"

"Why, does she have cake?"

Gannen let out a frustrated roar. I glanced quickly at Liane before tiptoeing to where Gannen and Steve left.

"Ahem," Liane cleared her throat pointedly. I stopped and turned around hesitantly. "I think you're forgetting something."

Deciding to echo Steve, I asked stupidly "Cake?"

Her face literally darkened. "No,"

I sighed, deciding to give up the innocently adorable, cake-obssessed act. "I'm working on it,"

"Yeah. Sure," Her voice positively radiated sarcasm. "Now, work harder. If not, you'll let that fine piece of - Mmmnnn! - go, and may never get a chance to seduce the hell out of that-" she sighed blissfully at this point.

"And we'll all be doomed," I added. Liane looked at me blankly for a second, before recovering quickly and nodding.

"That too. Now go!" she said, and shoved me towards where Steve and Gannen had disappeared.

I massaged my shoulder sourly, certain she'd dislocated something, before freezing when I'd spotted the hostage of the vampaneze... Debbie.

"Now, Steve, what do you think we should do with the hostage?" Gannen asked the man beside him.

Steve shrugged. "I've got two ideas... Make cake out of her, or feed her to one of the vampaneze."

"...I see. And which one shall we use?"

Again, Steve shrugged. "What do you think we should do with her, sheep?" Steve asked SDBHS.

"Baa!" SDBHS baaed, before running around in circles, then doing handstands then proceeding to do a series of strange martial arts poses.

"She says make cake," Steve translated.

"...I'm not so sure how you got that, and I don't really care," Gannen started. "But make cake it is,"

"Wait!" I heard a voice call out, and looked around to see who it was who called out when I wanted to, only to realise it was me when all eyes turned to me. "Uh.."

"What is it, Darina?" Steve asked, head tilted to one side. I took a moment to note how cute he looked like that, before realising the intensity of the gazes had increased.

"Who's that?" a voice asked to my side. It was R.V.

"What a stupid question, R.V. That's Darina, of course," Steve snorted.

"Never heard of her," R.V. grunted in reply.

"I don't think Debbie would taste very nice as a cake," I answered Steve's earlier question. Steve seemed to mull this over, before nodding once.

"You're right..." Steve said.

Gannen's eyes narrowed suspiciously at me. "How did you know her name's Debbie?"

I froze. "Uh... You guys mentioned it?"

"No, we did not," Gannen said, his eyebrow twitching at my lie.

"Well, I'm sure someone must have..."

"I think not. Confess, half-vampire," Gannen moved forward towards me. My eyes darted from side to side, noticing R.V.'s equally suspicious look, Debbie's emotionless expression, Steve's confused one and SDBHS's happy one.

"Okay, okay. You caught me," I said, deciding that a confession would be best. "The truth is..."

"Is...?" Gannen prompted.

"I'm slightly psychic,"

Someone in the room gasped.

"You are?" Steve exclaimed.

"Uh... Yes," I lied.

"Lies," Gannen caught me at once.

"Let's test her! Okay, what am I thinking about now?" Steve asked, closing his eyes tightly and concentrating hard - so hard that his nose was scrunched up.

"Cake?" I guessed. Steve gasped again, this one more dramatic than his earlier one.

"She's psychic!" Steve declared.

"Slightly," I corrected. Steve ignored me.

"Let's have some celebratory cake! We have a psychic ally!" Steve said, throwing his arm around my shoulder.

"Wait, Steve, the host-"

"Oh, pooh, Gannen, that can wait! For now, let's have cake! Hey, Darina, what am I thinking about now?"

"Cake,"

"Cool!"

Gannen sighed, and followed behind us. I looked back at Debbie as we walked out the door, worried for her safety and I thought I saw her talking to R.V., and then we had walked out of view.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** ...I'm running out of ideas of what to do for this story, as you can tell. I might just finish my other story first, before finishing this one.


	17. Chapter 17: Oh No!

**Disclaimer:** Oh, no! I don't own the characters/plot belonging to the Darren Shan Saga/Cirque Du Freak! Now whatever will I do?

**A/N:** Just so you guys know, I don't mean to drag this story out. It kinda just happened. It's kinda sad how long it's turning out to be.

A long chappie, because finally, _finally_ something is happening.

I'm so sorry! I know Friday's meant to be my update day, but I went to an internet-less holiday - again - for three days and totally missed update day! I'm really sorry!

Thanks to DarrenShanForeva123, KBerry, Dead L E and MarchHare95 for their reviews of the last chapter! Yay, it made me happy!

* * *

><p><em>Chapter 17 Oh No!<em>

_The smell of charred thingies were everywhere. I'd never smelled so much smoke before. Everything before me was lit on fire._

_I spun my head around, frantically searching for some clue as to where I was. I found none. My heart started to pound. Where the heck was I?_

_A loud screech interrupted my thoughts, and suddenly something was flying towards me, shooting out a pillar of fire from its fearsome mouth. I screamed and ran for cover, just as the fiery attack hit an object behind me. Instantly, I sniffed the air for confirmation. Burnt sugar. Turning my head around, a giant cake was dissolving, lit from the fire._

_I opened my mouth to scream in horror, but nothing emerged. The sound of a something large landing on the ground behind me drew my attention, and I whipped around quickly, only to be met with a too-freaking-large-to-fight dragon. It stared at me for a second, before lowering its head so the rider atop him could talk to me._

_This dark figure had fire for eyes, and a sinister grin. "All your cakes are mine!" it declared. "I'll burn all Cake Kings to the ground!"_

_"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-"_

* * *

><p>"-OOOOOOOOO!" I jolted awake, clutching my chest. It felt like my heart was trying to escape my body. I stroked it through my chest, trying to calm it down. Beside me, SDBHS stared at me curiously.<p>

"NOOOOOO?" she prompted, tilting her head to one side.

"What the heck are you doing here?" I asked.

"Steve's not talking to me," she said, eyes downcast. Sometimes I wondered who was supposed to be seducing the Vampaneze Lord.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because I'm not talking to him," For a moment, I stared at SDBHS. It had been so long since I'd heard her talk like a human. It was always 'Baaa' this and 'Baaa' that. Not that it wasn't adorable. It was totally. But hearing her talk like this was a weird change.

"Why?" I asked again, trying to concentrate.

"Because Liane told me not to," She pouted.

"Why?"

"Because you're supposed to be seducing Steve,"

"Why- Oh, never mind," I muttered, leaving the coffin I'd rested in for the night. "I'll go talk to Liane," SDBHS nodded, still looking depressed as she poked Mr Crepsley's bear-like sleeping face with a long stick as he slept in his coffin.

I left the room in search of the asian-looking vampire. I'd just rounded a corner when I encountered her as she was pressed into the wall by a vampaneze, as he passionately devoured her mouth. I looked at them, stunned, for a second, before clearing my throat. Liane blinked at me as they broke apart, then pushed the vampaneze away. He looked more turned on from being shoved away. I tried not to dwell on that.

"Darina! I've been searching everywhere for you!" Liane said.

"...You have?"

"Yes!" she said, and grabbed my hand, not so much as glancing back at the surprised vampaneze as we left.

"Guess what I did?" she asked me as she dragged me off.

"Uh... Buy me cake?" I asked hopefully. She glanced back to glare at me.

"No," she said almost sternly. "I secured you some time with the Lord of the Vampaneze,"

"...huh?" I asked blurly.

"Have fun!" she told me, and flung me over a cliff. I screamed as I fell, and landed on some unfortunate vampaneze.

Wait, what was a cliff doing there?

"Get off!" grunted a disgruntled Gannen Harst.

"Hey Darina! Good timing!" Steve grinned at me, offering a hand for me to take. I placed my hand in his, savouring the feel of his coarse fingers. Then slapping myself for thinking such things. _It's Steve's hand I was thinking about!_ I reminded myself.

_Yeah, but Steve's kinda hot. And he likes cake._

_Shut up!_

"Darina. Please. Get. Off," Gannen reminded me. I shook my head to get rid of the thoughts, then let Steve pull me up.

"So, why'd you want to see me?" Steve asked.

"Uh... Can't I?" I hedged, trying to rouse all memories of my painful seduction training from the deepest corners of my mind where I'd supressed them to.

"Of course you can, cake-buddy!"

That's when my training kicked in. I giggled, imitating Liane's oh-you're-so-amusing routine and proceeded to slap his arm playfully. He fell over.

He looked up at me from the ground, stunned. I stared at my palm in shock, then proceeded to cover up my not-so-sexy attempt at flirting by expressing my wittiness.

"Wow. I'm superman," I said, displaying my palm to Steve.

He stared at my palm for a second, and then he breathed out an awed "_Coooool_,"

"I know right!" I said excitedly.

"Slightly psychic _and_ superman strong, that's awesome. We should go celebrate!"

"Yeah! Cake!" I cheered.

"No! Enough partying!" Gannen yelled at Steve. "We must handle our hostage situation now!"

Steve pouted. "But Gannnneeeennnn!" Steve whined, dragging out his protector's name in an effort to sound cute.

"_No_," Gannen said, as if he were talking to a naughty puppy attempting to cause trouble.

"Fine," Steve huffed and stomped in the direction of Debbie. I followed after him, deciding it was better than nothing.

Steve threw open the jail door where Debbie sat, looking up at the Vampaneze Lord defiantly. That was my Debbie.

"Come to kill me?" she asked, her chin held high.

"Nah. Just torture you a little," Steve answered nonchalantly. Her confidence faltered a bit.

"I see," she said, then tapped her fingernails against the floor three times. Suddenly, R.V. entered the room, along with four other vampaneze. The last one slammed the door shut violently.

Gannen immediately moved to protect Steve.

"You traitors," Gannen spat at the vampaneze.

"Hmph. This Hemlock woman will make a much better Vampaneze Lord than your stupid sheep-lover." one vampaneze said.

"Hey, sheep are cool!" Steve interrupted indiggnantly.

"You don't seem to be very good at leading, Stevey," Debbie said with a giggle much like Liane's. "I _would_ make a better leader than you," she declared, brushing her fingers against R.V.'s stump. He shuddered. "Wouldn't I, Righteous?"

"_Yesssss!_" he agreed, sighing blissfully.

"Now, you wanna let us out of here peacefully," Debbie said. I watched her, slightly impressed, though a bit apprehensive at her Liane-like methods.

"Or what?" Steve asked, lifting an eyebrow cockily. My heart started thumping for some reason.

"Or..." Debbie grabbed hold of the back of my collar, pulled me back and placed a knife at my throat. Suddenly all the admiration I had for her vanished. "Or she dies,"

"...So?" Gannen asked.

"Shut up, Gannen!" Steve snapped. "Look, don't do anything hasty, alright? We'll let you go if you just put the knife down,"

I could feel Debbie smirk behind me. "Aw, you poor widdle Vampaneze Lord. You care that much about you cake-buddy? Well, too bad! I'm not that stupid." she inched towards the door with me in tow. "Follow us and tell your vampaneze not to attack us, or she dies,"

Steve gritted his teeth but did as she said. We passed by Liane and I saw her frown, but she did nothing else. When we got to the front door, Debbie ordered Steve to stay. Like a dog.

What is with everyone and treating Steve like a dog?

Her blade was sharp and nicked at my throat in warning. Steve's eyes darted down to the trail of blood leaking out of my freaking neck, and froze. Debbie then tugged me out the door and into the night.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** Oh no! What will happen now? Agjahjgkxdxgs!


	18. Chapter 18: Oh No She Didn't

**Disclaimer: **Darren Shan belongs to Darren Shan. Ahahahaha.

**A/N:** ...This is my second last pre-written update. Then I'm kind of blank. Sorry guys. It may take a while to finish this story. Just be patient with me.

As always, thank you so much to KBerry and DarrenShanForeva123 for reviewing the last chapter! Hugs and kisses to you both!

* * *

><p><em>Chapter 18 Oh No She Didn't<em>

_Why'd Steve let Debbie go for me?_ I wondered. It was a weird thought. I mean, it's not like I'd been seducing him... At all. So why'd he go so far as to ensure my safety? I sighed, wondering if I'll ever get the answer to that question.

I tested my bondages, only to find them tight and unbreakable. At least I was seated near the fire. The four vampaneze and R.V. had left to hunt their next meal and Debbie sat opposite me, sharpening a weapon. The light of the fire danced, reflecting against Debbie's dark skin and making her look scarier than she already was. I took a deep breath, knowing it was time to confess.

"Debbie,"

"Shut up, hostage," she said, her voice dripping with hostility.

"I need to tell you something," I persisted. She finally lifted her head to look at me, her eyes hard and cold, but slightly curious at the same time. "Debbie, I have to tell you this. It may be a little hard to believe, but..." I took a deep breath as she twitched in annoyance. "I'm Darren," I blurted out. She blinked.

"You're who?"

"Darren,"

"...I see," she said, turning her back towards me. I waited for her reaction.

Then suddenly, she whirled around and nearly stabbed me with the spork in her hand.

"Whoa, hey, Debbie! I said it's me, Darren!" I said, panicked, as she continued to jab and swipe at me with the dangerous weapon.

"The more reason to kill you!" she screamed at me. "You bastard, you left me behind!"

"I had to!" She suddenly stopped, and I realised what I'd said.

"You... What?" she asked, her voice low and super scary. I could see the rage building up. Then she attacked. "GRAAAAAWRRRR!" She roared as she sliced at me with the spork. I reacted instantly, grabbing her hand as it made its downward arc, elbowing her in the gut and getting rid of the dangerous cutlery, throwing it to the side where its plastic burned and melted in the fire she'd built.

She stumbled backwards when I let go of her, eyes wide. "Y-you... You elbowed me," she gasped, her hands shaking with rage.

"Oh holy mother of cakes..." I cursed, and readied to run, but she reached out and grabbed a fistful of my hair, dragging me back. I, in turn, raised my fingers and scratched against the hand pulling my hair. My vampiric fingernails immediately opened five deep gashes in her fragile human skin and she let go off my hair, screaming in pain.

But I was beyond feeling pity for the woman who used to be my love. I was heartbroken. I had loved her with all my heart... And here she was trying to kill me.

I started to scratch her all over, and she returned the favour. Despite my vampire abilities, her scratches hurt too. So distracted was I that I didn't even notice Steve come in with Gannen, Liane and SDBHS and stare wide-eyed at our cat fight. None of them were willing to get involved.

"You female dog!" Debbie shouted at me. Except she used a different word for female dog.

"You're the only female dog here!" I didn't actually use the words female dog either.

She growled at me. Her hands reaching into her strawberry print socks and pulled out a knife. She swiped at me with it, and I avoided it.

"Darren, watch out!" Steve called and pushed me aside as a hook tried to carve out my insides. It stabbed into Steve's side, and he winced violently.

"Steve!" I shouted, and moved to grab ahold of him as he started to fall. SDBHS gasped audibly as Liane took care of R.V.

"Dar...ren..." Steve gasped. "Eat some... Cakes... for me... okay?"

"I promise, Steve, I promise," I said as a tear slipped out of my eye.

"Put him on me!" SDBHS told me, and I laid Steve onto her pink fluff.

"Sheep... You can... talk?" Steve smiled at her. She looked back at him worriedly as he bled across the dress. Then she took off, running like all hell.

I turned around to see both Liane and Gannen holding the rest of the vampaneze back as SDBHS took Steve back to base. When Steve and SDBHS had covered a considerable distance, Liane grabbed me and Gannen, and bolted.

"Let's retreat!" she shouted. I let her pull me onto her back, and start flitting, but not before looking back at Debbie's face.

Never had anyone look as scary to me.


	19. Chapter 19: Exposure

**Disclaimer: **...If only I had a cookie for each time I disclaimed the Darren Shan Saga. The Darren Shan Saga/Cirque Du Freak belongs to Darren Shan (DUH). I have nothing. Not even cookies.

**A/N: **I'm so sorry guys! I've been having problems with my computer, and so I wiped it, but while I was re-installing everything, a virus attacked my computer, and I had to re-wipe my whole computer. Which is why you guys didn't get an update last week. I'm really sorry!

Just realised there aren't too many chapters left, now that things are happening. I may focus on this fic if I'm not too lazy and just finish it off before finishing my other one.

Thank you Dead L E, KBerry and DarrenShanForeva123 for their reviews of the last chapter! Thank you so much~

* * *

><p><em>Chapter 19: Exposure<em>

"Wait, are you telling me you knew I was Darren, but didn't know sirdehburrbla wasn't a sheep?"

"Yeah," Steve nodded. He was sitting in bed, still wearing his partially ripped black clothes, his wounds bound and no longer in a serious state.

"It's Sirdehburrhers!" SDBHS snapped unhappily.

"Oh, Sirdehburrhers," Steve repeated, nodding. I gaped at him. "That makes sense," he commented.

"In what universe does that make sense?" I exclaimed.

Steve just shrugged at me, rubbing SDBHS's hair vigorously and messing it up. It was like a dog and its owner.

"I'm glad everyone's all well and good enough to chit chat like this, but we should focus on the problem at hand," Gannen said, wearing his best pokerface, as usual.

"Right. We've got to do something about that female dog," Steve said, retracting his hand from a disappointed SDBHS's head. But Steve didn't use the words female dog, of course.

"How many vampaneze did we lose to her?" Kirethren asked.

"About half of our forces have decided to join her..." Gannen said, frowning. He suddenly seemed to realise something, and focused on Kirethren. "By the way, Kirethren, I must talk to you about letting traitors into our midst. As a vampaneze, I am very disappointed about what you've done,"

Kirethren bowed his head.

"Well, that doesn't matter right now," Liane interjected. "We need to get rid of that horny -beep- as soon as possible," I was somewhat impressed by Liane's determination. She hardly ever focused on things that had nothing to do with seducing.

"Your name's not really Lee, is it?" Steve asked.

"I'm Liane, sweetie," Liane said, leaning forward so her chest was exposed and batting her eyelashes at Steve.

"Ohhhh," Steve answered in a way I knew meant I-get-it-but-I-don't-get-it.

"We need to get rid of Debbie... But we can't do it without any help," My heart still ached at the mention of Debbie's name but I ignored the sensation. I still couldn't quite believe that Debbie would be so... so... insane.

"Yeah..." Liane agreed with me.

Something cleared its throat beside me, and I turned to look at it, before screaming my lungs out. The bear costume clad Mr Crepsley looked at me in slight annoyance.

"Oh. Sorry Mr Crepsley. I kind of forgot you existed," I apologised.

"Yes. I noticed. I suppose I am used to it by now," he sighed. "Anyhow-"

"Why are you still wearing that costume?" Steve asked, cutting him off.

"Because I did not think to bring any other clothes, and I do not want to walk around naked. As I was-"

"Then why don't you just borrow some clothes?" Steve asked.

Mr Crepsley fumbled. "B-Because..."

I gasped in realisation. "You like being a bear!"

Mr Crepsley's eyes went wide. SDBHS started chanting.

"Pedobear! Pedobear! Pedobear! Pedobear!" Within seconds Steve had joined her.

"Enough!" Mr Crepsley yelled, slamming his brown paw against the table and the chanting stopped. He glared at the former pink sheep and Vampaneze Lord before continuing. "As I was saying, it would be impossible to win without too many casualties if we were to go against Debbie now. So I would suggest we vampires and vampaneze work together on this."

There was a moment of silence, before everyone started yelling out their opinion.

"No way!"

"Are you kidding me?"

"Is that even possible?"

"Cakes!"

Everyone glared at Steve. He blinked at them sheepishly. "Sorry. Heat of the moment,"

"It is the only solution I can think of," Mr Crepsley explained. "I believe Debbie is a greater threat to our race than this war,"

Another moment of silence as everyone thought about it and begrudgingly agreed.

"Alright then. Liane and I shall return to Vampire Mountain and inform the rest. Darren, you stay here and assist with the planning."

I nodded.

"Take Kirethren with you. It may help to have a vampaneze there. And you can hold him hostage if need be," Gannen said heartlessly. Kirethren gaped at him for a moment, then shut his mouth unhappily.

"So that's the plan?" I asked. Mr Crepsley nodded.

"That is the plan. We shall discuss battle strategies when the vampire reinforcements arrive,"

"Right," I nodded. Mr Crepsley got up to go, but I stopped him, remembering something. "Oh, and Mr Crepsley..."

"What is it, Darren?" Mr Crepsley asked irritably, impatiently.

"...I think you should take off the bear suit when you persuade the vampires. I don't think anyone can take you seriously in them."

A long, tense moment passed as Mr Crepsley contemplated my suggestion. "...Alright," Mr Crepsley agreed in the end, his tone sulky.

And so the preparations to defeat Debbie had begun!


	20. Chapter 20: Heart To Heart

**Disclaimer: **Darren Shan owns the Darren Shan Saga/Cirque Du Freak. Because he's Darren Shan.

**A/N:** Not really meant to be a funny chapter. Sorry guys~

I know this update is late. I'm really sorry about that. I officially start uni tomorrow, and it turns out I have 23 hours of uni a week. Which is insane. That, coupled with the three hours it takes to get there and back... So I'm officially taking off the update by Friday thing. Simply because I have no idea when I'll be able to even go on a computer to update. I mean, I have no laptop... Sorry to disappoint, guys.

Lots of Thank Yous, Hugs and Kisses to DarrenShanForeva123, Dead L E and KBerry for their reviews of the last chapter! It's what keeps me going, man. Thanks!

* * *

><p><em>Chapter 20 Heart to Heart<em>

I sat on a small, grassy hill a distance away from the Vampaneze base. Mr Crepsley, Liane and Kirethren had left just yesterday, Mr Crepsley still in his costume and Liane leading both the men away, a hand on Kirethren's right butt cheek and Mr Crepsley's furry left butt cheek. My eyes still hurt from that image.

The moon hung, round and heavy above my head and I couldn't help sighing over how prett-

Holy shit, I'm a girl.

I'd never found the moon pretty, or romantic, or fuzzy feeling-inducing before. Damn all that oestrogen.

Then again, this scene seemed awfully similar to those in cheesy romance movies. Could it be tha-

"Hey Darren, whatcha doing here?" I froze at the sound of Steve's voice.

Oh. My. God. Where was Liane when I needed her advice?

"Uh... watching the moon..." I answered awkwardly, and immediately slapped myself afterwards. Watching the _moon_? _Really_? That's the _best _I could come up with?

"Huh. Really," Steve grunted as he sat down beside me, a little too close for comfort. I would have attempted scootching away but for some reason I was paralysed.

Stupid female hormones.

"Um... yeah," Oh God. I could feel a blush coming on. "Hey, Steve, look, a dragon!" I said, pointing at some random direction away from me.

"Where?" he shouted and his neck craned towards the direction I had pointed in. I took this opportunity to fan myself frantically with my hand, willing my blush to go away. "I don't see anything, Darren," he said, turning back to me. I quickly stopped fanning and smiled at him innocently.

"Oh, sorry, my bad," My giggles sounded fake even to me. But Steve merely pouted and looked back where I had pointed. "Hey, Steve,"

"Yeah?"

"How'd you know I was Darren?" I asked. I had been wondering about that for a while. I mean, I'm a girl. Like, an actual girl. How did he know?

"It was obvious,"

"How was it obvious? I'm a girl,"

"Yeah, but you're Darren,"

"That doesn't make any sense,"

"I'd know you anywhere, Darren. Trust me,"

"But..." I sighed, realising I wouldn't get an actual answer from Steve. "So... Are you still-" I cut off, wondering how I should ask him what I was thinking.

"Am I still?" he prompted curiously.

"Well... Are you still... angry at me? For what happened all those years ago?" I asked, twiddling my thumbs nervously.

"Yes," he answered bluntly and my stomach dropped. "But," he continued, and I perked up. His eyes met mine and for a moment my heart faltered. "I like you,"

I blinked. "You... _like_ me?"

He nodded. "Yeah. Except that I like_ like_ you,"

"...What?" I asked with an incredulous laugh, when I noticed his face was _really_ near mine.

This was it. The moment of truth. I closed my eyes and puckered my lips slightly. It took several thuds of my heart before I felt him kissing me... on the nose.

My eyes shot open.

He really was kissing me on the nose.

"Shit. I missed,"

A long pause. "...What," I asked tonelessly.

"Wait, let me try again," Steve said, and placed a hand on either side of my head to keep me from moving, and then he leaned forward.

And finally found his target.


	21. Chapter 21: Catalyst

**Disclaimer:** Darrien Shaln Saoga/Civrque Deu Fresak's ptlot and ceharacters belvongs toe Darre!n Shan. (If you take out all the letters that aren't supposed to be there and use it to form a sentence, you'll de-code a secret message! Have fun!)

**A/N: **Yay! I updated! It's very short, but at least I updated.

Thanks to Dead L E, KBerry, DarrenShanForeva123 and MarchHare95 who are pretty much the only reason I updated. Thanks for the reviews!

* * *

><p><em>Chapter 21: Catalyst<em>

I felt my whole body jolt as I suddenly regained consciousness, and cursed as my forehead collided with something wooden. I winced, feeling the bump on my head, and pressed my palm against what I had hit, surprised to find it so close. It was dark where I was, and small.

"Mmmmm..." Something moaned beside me and I screamed as I felt a hand come in contact with my stomach. I punched the wooden surface above me, somehow freeing myself from wherever I was, and promptly stood up, only to lose my balance as I did so and fall to the ground painfully.

I groaned and looked up, surprised to see a coffin placed on top of a platform above me. The top had been broken open - by me, I presumed - and a disheveled looking Steve was looking down at me with this dazed look.

"...Good morning," he said, breaking the awkward atmosphere.

"Uh... Morni-"

"Darren! I-" SDBHS stared at me, on the floor, my clothes crinkled and weird, then at Steve sitting up in his coffin, then to me again, then to Steve, then to me, then to Steve, then to me again-

"Oh my god, if you want to scream, just scream already!" I exploded in irritation.

I instantly regretted it when her cheeks started to puff up... and she released an almighty "!"

Almost as quickly, loud footsteps followed. By the time the first vampaneze appeared at the door, SDBHS had leapt to my side and was bombarding me with questions.

"When did you guys hook up? Have you guys kissed? Are you guys getting married? Will you be my parents, then? Ooh, and can I be the flower-girl? When's the wedding? Do you have a dress yet? And how about the cake?"

"Cake!" Steve exclaimed happily, the only part of the conversation I figured he had been listening to.

"Uh... I don't remember the first question," I muttered at SDBHS. She pouted, then continued, giving me a whole new list of questions.

I looked to Steve for help. All he did was grin at me.

* * *

><p>Finally. I'd gotten rid of SDBHS. It wasn't easy, but I managed it. Somehow. After two days of her stalking me, constantly showering me with questions, I'd lost her. I couldn't believe how many questions she had. And how none of them repeated. It was ridiculous.<p>

So, I'd achieved my mission and seduced Steve, Gannen had grumbled but accepted it, as had the other Vampaneze. But we weren't in the clear yet. There was still Debbie, who I felt nothing but anger for now. Gone were any feelings I'd had for my childhood sweetheart.

And there was also the War of the Scars. It was put on hold now, what with Debbie having appeared, but we didn't know if the truce would hold... or it would be broken as soon as Debbie was gone.

I sighed as I hid in Steve's coffin, waiting for Steve to come with news that SDBHS was gone, and I didn't need to hide away anymore.

I jumped as someone peeked through the hole I'd punched in the cover of Steve's coffin, before it was thrown back, and I was staring into the face of a certain half-vampaneze.

"Sirdehburrhers is gone," Steve told me.

I sighed in relief. "That's good, I was starting to-"

"No, Darren. She's gone. As in, gone _gone_,"

I felt this chilling sensation of dread all of a sudden.

"What do you mean, gone _gone_?"

Steve didn't answer for a while, before finally whispering: "Debbie took her. Debbie took Sirdehburrhers,"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **Oh no!


	22. Chapter 22: Our Friend

**Disclaimer: **What kind of person names his protagonist after himself? I'm still in awe of that. It was very cool. And very weird.

**A/N:** Hey guys! Sorry for the late updates, man, but I've almost finished writing up the drafts of the whole story. As you can see, we're kinda nearing the end. Ah-ha. Yay.

Thanks to KBerry, raven1454, T-bo (Who, from what I could decipher, was only reviewing to get me to update my other story. Which I will, have no fear) and DarrenShanForeva123 for reviewing the last chapter! I can't believe how amazing you guys are. Thank yous!

* * *

><p><em>Chapter 22: Our Friend<em>

"_I've taken your pink little friend. Meet me at the pine tree beside the lake at midnight if you want her back, Vampaneze Lord. Oh, and bring your little pet vampire if you want. Love, Debbie,_" Steve read the letter aloud.

"Is that all?" Gannen asked. The vampaneze in the base had gathered in the Mess Hall, and all had serious expressions as they mourned the loss of the pink sheep.

"No... It also say _Kiss kiss kiss hug hug hug kiss hug little kiss little hug kiss kiss big hug_, at the end," Steve continued reading.

"That female dog," a random vampaneze cursed.

"We have to go get her," I said, worried for my hyper friend.

"It's too dangerous," Gannen said. "We should wait for our vampire backup, and then confront Debbie," Gannen laid a hand on Steve's shoulder. "I know you're both fond of the shee- person. But we must not act recklessly,"

Steve wrenched his shoulder out of Gannen's grasp. "She's our friend," Steve objected with a slight pout.

"Yeah. We can't just sit back and do nothing!" I complained. Steve, awesome wingman as ever, got to his feet to back me up.

"Yes, you two WILL!" Gannen roared at us both. Steve tripped backwards and fell back into his chair at the force. "Or you are both grounded for a month, now GO TO YOUR ROOM!" Gannen continued yelling. Steve and I bolted for his room, stunned.

"That was so scary," I panted to Steve when our door was nice and secured.

"Yeah... And annoying. Stupid Gannen," Steve continued to pout.

"So what do we do?" I asked helplessly.

"What else? We go save Sirdehburrhers," Steve said carelessly, throwing open a window.

"Huh?" I prompted intelligently.

"Come on!" he said, holding out a hand to me, smiling in that cliché 'Trust Me!' way. I stared at it doubtfully, thinking of the dangers that could befall me if I took it. No, I had to at least clarify the risks involved should I take his hand.

"When was the last time you washed your hand?" I asked. "Because you know bacteria multiplies and if you didn't wash it and it infects an open wound on, let's say, my hand, I could die-"

Steve rolled his eyes, and grasped my hand, pulled me close to him, and flung us both out the window. I almost didn't realise when we hit the ground, though I did vaguely hear the shout of a vampaneze who had been looking out the window and had seen us leap from Steve's second storey window.

"RUN!" Steve shouted at me, before trying to pull my arm out of its socket as he ran into the woods.

* * *

><p>"I think we lost them," Steve told me. We were seated on a thick branch up in a tree.<p>

"Oh... Good," I panted.

"So... What now?" Steve asked, turning to me.

"How should I know? You're the one who dragged me out a window,"

"...That's a good point," Steve conceded. "Well, I suppose we could go to the meeting place Debbie set,"

I shrugged. "Sure,"

* * *

><p>"Steve,"<p>

"What?"

"Are we there yet?"

"Do you see a pine tree?"

"...No,"

"Then we're obviously not there yet,"

I sighed, and continued trudging behind Steve.

"How do you even know where we're going?" I asked Steve. He flaunted a piece of paper in my face.

"Debbie gave us this map," he said.

"Let me see that," I snapped, and snatched it. "What the hell-? Turn right when you reach the coke can, and left when you see a dried leaf? What kind of bullshit is this?"

"I think it's ingenious! I never thought to use coke cans as landmarks before!"

"...You're kidding me, right?"

Steve gave me a genuinely confused look. "Why would I kid you?"

I sighed. "Well, I don't think we should- Hey!" I protested as Steve grabbed onto the map roughly and almost wrestled it out of my grasp.

"It's mine!" he declared.

"I was still looking at it!" I said, pulling it in my direction. Steve grunted as he tried to pull it back. I tried to retaliate and tugged at the same time he did.

_RIIIIPPPP!_

It all happened so fast.

Steve glared at me pointedly, holding up his shredded piece of the map."Great. Now you've doomed _our friend_ Sirdehburrhers,"


	23. Chapter 23: It's A Trap

**Disclaimer: **No belong to me.

**A/N:** Thanks to Kberry, raven1454, Cat attack 411 and DarrenShanForeva123 for their reviews of the last chapter! We're almost there, guys, just bear with me a little, teensy-eensy bit more.

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><p><em>Chapter 23: It's A Trap!<em>

"...We've been past this tree,"

"It's a _tree_, Steve. How would you know?" I asked exasperatedly.

"Cause its bark is the size of my-"

"I don't want to know," I cut in quickly.

"But-"

"Grah!" I grunted, interrupting him before he could continue.

"But-"

"Chieuh!"

"Dar-"

"Opriu!"

"Fine, whatever. Have you seen the coke can?"

"No, but-" I cut myself off with a scream as I tripped over something cylindrical and aluminic.

"Hey, great job, Darren!"

"Say that to my aching butt," I muttered, massaging my painful flesh.

"Now, I think we were supposed to turn left at the coke can. Come on, Darren,"

"What?" I asked, confused. "No, we're supposed to turn right,"

Steve glared at me. "Left,"

"Right,"

"Left,"

"Right,"

"It's left, damn it! Now come!" Steve pulled me into a standing position, then tugged me left.

"But it's right!" I wailed.

"Oh yeah, then how do you explain that?" Steve asked triumphantly, pointing to a leaf.

I looked at him with my best you-can't-be-serious look.

"We're in a forest, Steve. There are leaves everywhere,"

"Nuh-uh!" he protested adamantly. "None like these!" he said, thrusting the leaf in my face.

"Okay, okay, I get it," I said, slapping his hand away.

"Now, we go straight," he said.

"What? No, we turn left at the dried leaf," I told him. He gave me a how-dumb-can-you-get look.

"It's straight, Darren," then he sighed and shook his head. "Maybe you _have _been taking too many cakes," he said, and proceeded to drag me straight past the single, specific leaf.

"Wait, what the- No, we're going the wrong wa- Steve!"

* * *

><p>"Steve, I told you, we're absolutely lost," I told him as logically as I could, sulkily stomping behind him.<p>

"Nonsense! We're going to right way," Steve said. "I know exactly where we are,"

"Oh, yeah._ Sure_," I muttered.

Steve pushed back some bushes, then turned to look at me with a happy grin. "See, told you I knew where we were going,"

I frowned at him, then peered past the bushes. My jaw dropped. There it was. A pine tree by a lake.

"W-W-Wha..." I stuttered incomprehensibly.

"I have a perfect sense of direction," Steve said, then swept his hand before me in a 'ladies first' manner. I sucked my upper front teeth, then screwing up my face unhappily at the fact that he'd proved me wrong after all. I was still sulking when we got to the tree.

"Huh. That's funny. I don't see De-" Steve said, before he disappeared from my side.

"Steve? Wher-" I screamed as something caught my foot, dragging on it until I was upside down and suddenly I was up in the air, my foot tangled between a mess of rope that made up a net. The vampaneze cheered victoriously up in the tree. Further to my right was Steve, who had suffered a similar fate.

"Darren, it's a trap," he whispered to me worriedly, as if passing on a secret message. I groaned and buried my head in my hands.


	24. Chapter 24: Now What?

**Disclaimer:** Wow, so sick of writing this. This is a fanfiction. FANfiction. I'm a fan, the original content and characters of the Darren Shan Saga/Cirque Du Freak does not belong to me.

**A/N:** The chapters are so short. I can barely progress the story before I have to end the chapter. It's amazing.

Thanks as always to Cat attack 411, KBerry, MarchHare95 and DarrenShanForeva123 for taking precious time to review the previous chapter of this absurd story. Especially when there's so much better stuff you could do. I dearly appreciate it.

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><p><em>Chapter 24: Now What?<em>

"I still can't believe it was a trap. That's amazing," Steve was muttering as the vampaneze forced us to walk to their current base.

"Yeah. Amazing," I echoed hollowly. Was this how the War of the Scars would end? With both Steve and I dying? What a terrible way to end a story.

"Well, well, so the heroes come to rescue the little damsel in distress," Debbie said in this sultry, wannabe-sexy voice, that seemed kind of weird at the same time.

I opened my mouth to deliver this amazing come-back when I was distracted by her face.

"Oh... My god." I said.

"What is i-GAAHHHH!" Steve screamed when he caught sight of Debbie.

"What?" she asked in annoyance.

"Nothing," I replied hurriedly.

"Dude, you look hideous," Steve said bluntly, probably not even noticing that he was saying it out loud.

"What?" Debbie snarled. I had to agree with Steve. Debbie was wearing obviously fake contact lenses the colour of... Well, plastic red. She looked like she'd also just poured a vat of purple paint onto herself, which may have been what had actually occurred, from the small smidges of dried purple paint in her hair that she couldn't wash off. Her lips were painted a bright crimson red which looked totally wrong for her, and clashed with the red outfit she wore, and she was wearing fake, plastic, green vampire teeth. Yes, _green_ vampire teeth. I finally realised why her words sounded funny. She was obviously trying her best not to accidentally poke herself with the plastic fangs.

"Uh, sorry, I meant you look absolutely amazing! The makeover does, uh- wonders for you," Steve quickly recovered.

"Hmph! Of course," Debbie replied, tossing her hair over her shoulder, causing some dry paint to flake off and fall to the floor.

I shuddered in fear.

"What are you going to do with us?" I asked, wondering.

"Well, tomorrow's a full moon. A perfect night for an execution, don't you think?"

"Execution?" Steve and I exclaimed.

"Yes. Then I will become the Lord of the Shadows," Debbie declared, then cackled evilly. The vampaneze laughed awkwardly with her.

She stopped laughing abruptly, as did the vampaneze and before I knew it, we were pushed into a small prison-like cell.

"Steve! Darren!" SDBHS intoned happily. I had never been so happy to hear her high-pitched voice.

"Sirdeburgera!" I said joyfully.

"Sirdenburrhers! But that works too," she said. She reached behind us and untied our ropes. Immediately, Steve attempted to bend the bars back. He grunted with the effort, but remained unsuccessful.

Debbie cackled again, sounding like a crow. "The cell's vampire-proof! You'll never get out!" Then with one last resounding cackle, she left, and a vampire took his place beside the entrance, guarding us carefully with his never-ceasing glare.

"Now what?" I asked.

"We wait for Gannen to save us," Steve said simply.

"Yay, Gannen!" SDBHS cheered.

I slapped my forehead and sighed.

* * *

><p>"Gannen's late," Steve complained hours later, which we presumed to be evening of the next day. Asking our guard the time did nothing but earn us a snarl.<p>

SDBHS just whimpered in reply. She was going low on sugar. We hadn't been fed - at all.

"Now what?" I repeated.

There was no answer.


	25. Chapter 25: Plan Baa

**Disclaimer:** Lalalalalala... Does not belong to me blablablablabla.

**A/N:** Thanks to KBerry, Cat attack 411 and DarrenShanForeva123 for their reviews of the last chapter. All your comments made me laugh for some reason. Don't know why.

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><p><em>Chapter 25: Plan Baa<em>

An irritating chuckle informed us of Debbie's arrival. She then came into view, and I shuddered again involuntarily at her looks. She didn't seem to notice. R.V. trailed behind her, looking happy.

"Hello, my lovelies," she said.

"We're not your lovelies!" SDBHS squeaked. Then she turned to me. "...Are we?"

"No," I told her clearly.

"Yeah, no!" she said, somehow agreeing with my negation.

Debbie rolled her eyes, the right of which started twitching as if the contact lense was tickling her eyeball. Which it might have been. "Whatever," she said, but I was too distracted by her twitching eye. "It's fifteen minutes to midnight. Just fifteen glorious minutes until I kill you three eyesores," She gave us one last triumphant smirk, and a wink in my direction before barking orders to the vampaneze - including R.V. - to bring us out for our execution in five minutes, before leaving, her cloak sweeping the floor behind her.

I exchanged looks with Steve and SDBHS, but none of us could find anything to say.

Five agonising minutes passed, before the guard approached our cell, the same triumphant smirk Debbie had was plastered onto his face.

"Come on, come on, hurry now. The Lady doesn't like delays," said the purple-haired vampaneze, sliding a key into the lock. R.V. gave a snort of agreement.

"Baa?" Steve suddenly said.

The lock slid back.

"Baa," SDBHS replied.

"Baa, baa, baa," Steve baa-ed. The vampaneze guard swung the gate open.

"Baa baaa?" she asked.

"Baaaaaa!" Steve responded, and somehow, he punched the purple-haired guard just as SDBHS had outstretched her tiny leg through one of the bars and punched another guard out. Then out of nowhere, Steve lifted her and threw her at R.V. She promptly proceeded to claw at his face, and hopped off just as quickly to avoid his hooks injuring her. R.V. moaned and tried to soothe his wounds with his hands. Only, he didn't have hands. He had hooks. Really, really, _really_ sharp hooks.

"ARGHHHHHHHHHHH!" R.V. screamed. I winced. Well, that's what you got for forgetting you had hooks instead of hands.

"Nice, sheepy!" Steve said, high fiving the strangely named kid.

"Baa!" she said as her palm came in contact with Steve's.

I was too in shock that they could understand each other to even register the fact that I should be jealous of the fact that this pink little kid and my boyfriend had a secret language.

"Come on, Darren," Steve said, holding a hand out to me. When I just stared at him blankly, he grabbed hold of my hand and pulled me forward, towards him, as he burst into a run and we ran through the dark, dank cave, SDBHS hot on his heels.

"It's time to end this!" Steve declared, his hand still clamped tightly over mine.

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><p><strong>AN: **O... Oh my gosh. I didn't notice how short this chapter was. I... will hopefully post the next one as soon as I can.


	26. Chapter 26: Death By

**Disclaimer:** I wonder how rich Darren Shan is from his books. Probably not as much as J. K. Rowling, but pretty rich I bet. If only I owned the Darren Shan Saga/Cirque Du Freak, I'd be as rich as him. But I'm not.

**A/N:** Thanks to the lovely Cat attack 411, KBerry and MarchHare95, as always, for sending me beautiful reviews of the last chapter that made me want to write like crazy.

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><p><em>Chapter 26 Death By...<em>

"It's time to end this!" Steve roared. About a hundred vampaneze heads swivelled in our direction. Steve took a step back. "Uh..."

"BAAAAAAAA!" SDBHS let out her war cry as she darted forward, knocking away stray vampaneze in her path.

I narrowly avoided an axe swinging towards my face, having been so busy watching SDBHS. I caught the wrist of the vampaneze just in time, twisted the person around, making him loosen his grip on the weapon, kicked him in the crotch and ended up with an axe in my hand.

And then we began our counter-attack.

It went well at first. We were really kicking arse. But sometime in the midst of fighting we found ourselves completely surrounded, and getting closed in by the second.

"Got another plan, Steve?" I asked, wiping sweat from my brow with the back of my hand.

"Baaa..." He replied.

"That means no," SDBHS translated for me.

"...Damn," I eyed our opponents, hoping for some means of salvation, racking my brain furiously.

"Hmph. Seems like you're all surrounded," she smiled briefly. Then she turned to her subordinates with a hungry smirk and snarled "Get them,"

With that all the vampaneze charged forward, roaring. I backed against Steve, who quickly pulled me behind him. SDBHS threw herself before us, arms outstretched protectively.

Suddenly.

Suddenly, suddenly, suddenly.

_Suddenly._

...

...

...

...

...

Suddenly.

The vampaneze were still charging at us. I held onto Steve tighter and readied myself to protect Steve and SDBHS as they had protected me.

A vampaneze right before SDBHS raised his weapon high above his head and I gritted my teeth, ready for the inevitable.

That's, of course, when a furry, orange bear descended upon the scene, punching the vampaneze away so hard that he flew across the field, knocking over some other vampaneze in the process like bowling pins.

"Mr Crepsley?" Steve and I both exclaimed as the bear costume clad vampire gave us a thumbs-up, as well as he could in that furry costume, and then resumed his onslaught on the other renegade vampaneze.

I was so stunned I barely noticed the vampaneze creeping up on Mr Crepsley until he was nearly upon my mentor. "Mr-!"

But Gannen was one step ahead of me, sword drawn, and delivered a crushing blow to the vampaneze. Mr Crepsley gave him a brief nod, before kicking some other vampaneze with his furry foot.

I watched as vampaneze and vampires alike streamed into the clearing like ants descending upon a nice, ripe cake left out in the open. The vampaneze bore fluorescent orange sashes so we could distinguish them from the renegade vampaneze.

I heard an enraged roar and found Debbie throwing off her cape as she whipped out a sword and charged at me, a mad rage in her eyes.

Pushing Steve aside, I dug my heels into the ground and waited for her to come to me. I was weaponless, but determined to protect Steve from this crazed Debbie.

"Darren!" Was all the warning I got from Mr Crepsley before a dagger sailed through the air. I caught it just before it could pierce itself through my head, just in time to block Debbie's mad blow. I cringed slightly as she forced me back slightly.

"This is all your fault. All! Your! Fault!" she pulled back a little, before striking me again to the side, harder this time. I barely blocked it with my dagger. "If it weren't for you, I could still be in my home town, teaching English and making scones!"

"I never forced you to come with me, _you_ insisted!" I reminded her as I hooked my foot around hers and tripped her. She rolled around, having been taken off guard. "I never wanted you to come with us!"

"Yeah, right!" she screamed bitterly at me, swinging her sword at me haphazardly.

I ducked, and heard her blade slice an inch off the end of my hair. I took the chance to move forward, under and beyond her sword, and jabbed her hand with my dagger, causing her to drop the sword. She cursed, and cradled her hand to her chest.

She didn't see my fist coming and I punched her square in the face. She ended up falling over from the force.

It was amazing. I'd never felt so satisfied to hear bones crunching. I'd never felt so alive, despite the agony I felt in my hand of having it collided with Debbie's face.

She screamed like a little girl. The noise grated against my skull. I bent down, sat on her, holding her down , drew back my hand and punched her again. She shut up and I took a fraction of a second to admire the lack of her annoying squeal in the air.

I found my fist colliding with her nose once more, ignoring the vampaneze-ish blood that spurted all over my fingers.

She struggled beneath me. I ignored her useless pounding as she panicked and tried to buck me off. Her flopping around annoyed me even more and I started punching her continuously.

I didn't even notice that almost everyone had finished their fight, the rebellious vampaneze incapacitated, and was watching me bash Debbie furiously, releasing all my frustration of what she'd done to my friends, SDBHS, Steve and Gannen and all the vampaneze.

I punched her in the face one last time, feeling my arm start to cram up, then got off her. She sat up, and I realised just what a mess I'd made of her face. Blood leaked from her now crooked nose, and her teeth were all in disarray.

"I'll get you for this, Darren Sh-" she cut off suddenly with a choking sound. I blinked, wondering what had happened to her. She held her neck with both hands, as if trying to strangle herself, all the while making choking noises, then started pounding her chest.

Before I could even understand what was going on, her eyes rolled back into her head, and she lay on the ground, twitching slightly. The part of her face from which some paint had come off seemed a bit too purple to be healthy vampaneze complexion.

I looked to Steve, who shrugged. I walked forward gingerly, almost afraid that any movement I'd made would wake the crazy woman. I peered at her face, at the slightly open mouth and noticed a large chunk of green plastic were missing from the fake fangs, probably due to my punching her.

Steve stooped down beside me and grabbed her wrist, before pressing two fingers to it. He looked up at me.

"She's dead," he said, sounding as if he was trying very hard to be grim about her death, and but I could tell he was supremely happy. The rest of our allies didn't hold back. At Steve's pronouncement they let out a loud cheer that seemed to go on for ages.

Debbie Hemlock had died by her fake, green fangs.


	27. Chapter 27: Final Wish

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything. As usual.

**A/N:** So. Finally, we've reached the end. It's been an awesome journey, guys.

Thanks to Kberry and Cat attack 411 for reviewing the last chapter! Love you both~

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><p><em>Chapter 27: Final Wish<em>

The vampaneze and vampires built a bonfire.

That's right. A bonfire. From where I sat, I could see Mr Crepsley, still in the form of an orange bear, dancing madly around the fire, accompanied by a variety of other vampires and vampaneze. SDBHS was the wildest of them all, she'd gone on a sugar high. And believe me, when she went on a sugar high, she was _far _worse than usual. And no, she was not usually on a sugar high. Steve was nowhere to be seen. Liane and Kirethren sat side by side, hand in hand, and I wondered what was going on there. Did something happen during their trip back to Vampire Mountain that I wasn't aware of? Well, I'd ask them later anyhow.

I grinned happily, a mug of ale held securely in my hand, watching everyone. I had taken small sips of it whenever someone told me to drink up, having no urge to turn into the Prince of Ale once again. Not to mention that my body was now smaller, which meant that alcohol could affect me even more now.

Fantastic.

There were some parts of being a girl - Okay, probably most parts - that I didn't like.

Stupid, evil fountain.

A small shine of light caught my eye. I frowned, looking back into the dark forest near our camp/celebration site. I turned back to all my fellow parti-ers. None seemed to have noticed the light. Curious, I set my mug of ale aside, and moved to where I'd seen the light.

I walked past tree after tree. The light flashed again, and I started running, my curiosity getting the better of me.

The light blinked once, before growing. It no longer flashed, but remained permanent, glowing brightly in the dark forest.

Cautiously, suspecting the worst, I stepped past a final tree that obscured my view of whatever was emitting that light. And was shocked by the sight of the very same fountain I'd wished on, its dazzling light shimmering in the dank darkness of the forest.

I stood, stunned, for a few seconds. Then I realised what I should be doing. "YOU! You DAMN fountain!" I shouted and rushed forward to kick it, when it sprayed water in my face at high pressure, throwing me backwards. I spluttered angrily, picked myself off the ground, and readied myself for the next attack, when the fountain spoke to me.

_Why so angry? I fulfilled your wish, did I not?_

I screamed and took a few steps backward cautiously.

_Stop being so melodramatic. You've never heard a fountain talk before? _It asked me irritably.

"Uh... No. I haven't," I told it.

_...Whatever. As I was saying, your wish has been granted. The War of the Scars are over. It will not be resumed ever again... hopefully._

"What do you mean hopefully? And wait, if it's already been granted, why am I still a girl?"

_Hopefully as in hopefully. Are you stupid or something? The reason you are still a girl, is because that's what you wished for._

"What? No, it wasn't,"

_Anyway. _It told me, completely ignoring me. _I shall grant you one more wish._

"One? Wait, what's the catch?" I asked suspiciously.

_Nothing... But do remember that what you wish for affects others._

I lifted an eyebrow. "Okaaaayyy..." I said cluelessly. I thought, and thought, and thought, and thought...

_Make up your mind already!_

"Okay! Jeez... Well... I want to be a guy again. But just for a day. I want to remember what it feels like,"

_...Is that all? Fine, I shall grant you your wish._

I felt my body started to get warm all over, and my head started to feel really hot. I gasped for air as my vision started to blur, and I blacked out.

When I came to, several seconds later, the fountain was gone. I patted my chest, which felt a lot lighter now. No more melons. I gasped happily. My hair was also somehow short again. Wacky. And a quick feel within my pants revealed that I was no longer banana-free.

"YES!" I cheered happily.

"NO!" A voice called from behind me and I turned abruptly. Someone was hidden behind a bush. I sneaked up around it and found a girl sitting on the ground, looking upset.

The girl had silver hair.

"...Steve?" I guessed. The girl turned to me, her watery eyes uncannily like Steve's.

"Darren!" she wailed, and threw herself forward, onto me. I grunted as she nearly knocked me to the floor. "I'm a giiiiiirrrrllll," she moaned.

"Uh... Really?" I asked stupidly, unable to concentrate with her draped over me, smelling of chocolate cake. She pulled back and gave me a look.

"How did this happen?" she asked, an adorably worried look on her face.

I proceeded to tell her about the fountain, the wish I'd made, and the warning the fountain had given me about how my wish could affect others. She frowned all through my explanation. When I was done, she was silent.

I said nothing, feeling nervous about how she would react. Then, she sighed. "Oh well," she said. "It's just for a day, right?"

"Right," I nodded.

She looked at me, suddenly seeming contemplative. Then she started circling me, looking me up and down. "Hey Darren, seeing as how we've switched genders... How about we have some fun?" She smiled at me in a manner not unlike Liane's when the succubus was on the prowl.

"Huh?" I asked innocently. Then she pulled me forward, and I had just enough time to readjust myself so I wasn't being mashed against her nose instead of her lips.

The kiss was amazing, like nothing I'd ever felt before. My heart was thumping madly as I pushed her to the ground.

That night we -beep-ed and we also -beep-ed and -beep-ed and did -beep-. And then we -beep- and -beep- as well as a little -beep-ing of the -beep-. Then we -beep- -beep- -beep- -beep-.

It was the best night of my life.

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><p><strong>AN:** TROLL! Ahaha. I lied. One more chapter to go. Aren't you guys happy?


	28. Chapter 28: Surprises!

**Disclaimer:** I wonder if anyone gets angry is I don't write that the Darren Shan Saga doesn't belong to me. Okay, let's try it. This week – No disclaimer!

(Which means I'll never have to write a disclaimer for The Darren Shan Saga ever again! Well, unless I get an idea for a new story. Unlikely)

However, I probably should mention that if you've seen Winnie The Pooh (2011), you might recognise one of its quotes in the chapter.

**A/N:** Have you guys noticed that Fountains Are Evil has only a third of the words in The Impossible, but has eight more chapters than The Impossible? How awesome is that?

And of course, thanks to KBerry for being the very last reviewer I'll mention for this fic, for reviewing the last chapter. Thanks, you!

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><p><em>Chapter 28 Surprise(s)!<em>

The next morning I woke up on the ground, somewhat muddy and dirty. I groaned, feeling sore all over. I stretched, trying to get rid of some of the soreness. The girl lying on top me of me moaned silently as well, upset at having her sleep disturbed.

Then I remembered what we'd done the night before.

The sun was high up in the sky and for a second I panicked, then relief spread through me when I remembered that we were both still half-vampire and half-vampaneze.

I looked back at Steve and watched her blinking down at me. She smiled.

"Good morning," she greeted me.

"Morning," I replied. Then I kissed her forehead. She giggled.

"You attacked me last night," she complained. "Wrestled me to the ground and all," she said in that 'tsk tsk' manner.

"You started it," I reminded her.

"Did not!"

"Did too,"

"Did not,"

"Did too,"

"Not,"

"Too,"

"Whatever," she huffed, turning her back to me.

"At least I don't miss when I kiss,"

Steve slapped me.

"Ow! What the hell was that for?"

She grinned. "I've always wanted to do that. Unfortunately, it's not cool when a guy slaps a girl. When a girl slaps a guy, however... Everyone cheers,"

"Yeah, but did you have to slap_ me_?"

"You were the one who chose to mock my kissing skills,"

I massaged my stinging flesh. The moment we switched genders back I would take advantage of that.

We put our clothes back on and spent the day just hanging out in the forest. It was Steve's idea not to go back until we were switched back. It would save us a lengthy explanation and the vampires and vampaneze were probably still to hungover - or asleep - to notice we were gone.

Night time came, and we waited to turn back to our rightful genders.

We waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited a bit more...

Until Steve broke.

"What's taking that damn fountain so long!" she shrieked shrilly.

"I don't know! Come on, fountain, change us back already!" I shouted at nothing in particular.

_I cannot._

"What do you mean you can knot? How is that even relevant!" I shouted back.

Steve and the fountain were suddenly very silent. After a few moments, Steve tapped me on my shoulder.

"I think it means it can't," she informed me.

"Can't knot?" I repeated, and suddenly, all my rage disappeared, and I was filled with sympathy. "Oh, my condolences,"

_...As I was saying, I am unable to switch back your genders. Because if I do so, you'll lose your... progeny._

"Our wha-?" was my reaction, but Steve squealed and clasped a hand over her mouth.

The fountain decided to simplify things for me. _Your baby._

"What baby?" I asked, then Steve pulled my hand onto her belly and looked at me meaningfully. "Oh. That baby," I said calmly, but my head was whirling. A baby? How'd that happen? Vampires don't get babies! And neither do vampaneze.

_Well, enjoy your early wedding gift. You'll turn back once the child is born. We won't be talking again. Good bye, Vampire Prince, Lord of the Vampaneze._

"Wait! No! Come back! You did this, didn't you?" But I was shouting accusations at empty air.

We were quiet for a while, taking everything in. Crickets chirped happily.

"Darren, does this mean I have to go through childbirth?" Steve asked, grabbing my hand and looking at me pleadingly.

"...Um..." I didn't know the answer.

So she slapped me again. I fell against a tree.

"Oh my god. I can't believe this is happening to me! Why me? Why not you? Why not Gannen? This is going to change the way I live forever! I'm too young for that! I can't believe this catastrophe!" She stopped to breathe here. "This is horrible!" Then she paused again, and I waited for her to take a breath, but she merely shrugged. "Oh well. At least I'm hot,"

"...right," I said, massaging my cheek.

"Well, what are you doing just leaning against a tree? Let's go back to the vampaneze base," she held a hand out to me, the same one that had just slapped me, and I took it hesitantly.

Then we walked, hand in hand, wondering what all our allies would say,

"But you know... I'm kind of happy. I like kids," Steve said as we walked. "Like Sirdehburrhers,"

"...Isn't that your pink sheep?" I asked.

"Minor details," Steve said, waving her hand dismissively. "Even if it would hurt. Ah well,"

"...right," I said, because what else could I say?

"I'll do my best to get revenge on you when we turn back," she smiled at me mischeviously, and despite the nervousness I felt from seeing that smile, I knew we were going to live happily ever after. No Debbie, no War of the Scars. Just Steve and I together.

Happily. Ever. After.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Because that's so likely to happen.

"Darren!" A figure in a bear suit approached me as we got through the door of our home, and at first, I thought it was Mr Crepsley. Then I realised it was a somewhat ugly woman with orange hair and a long scar on her face. Her curves were very visible through her outfit.

"What the-" Steve asked for me. I was too frozen in shock to say anything.

"Steve! Darren!" said a tall, slender man with asian features. "I was wondering when you were going to come home. Right, honey?" he asked the woman beside him. What could only be Kirethren.

"Get your hand off my butt, please," was Kirethren's response to the male Liane.

"Gannen?" Steve exclaimed, spotting the pretty hot figure of his now also female protector.

"..." Gannen, like myself, couldn't bring himself to say anything.

"Darren, Steve!" A deep, deep voice said, and both of us turned out head to this huge, pink-haired man with muscles all over, looking down at both of us.

I pushed Steve behind me cautiously, placing myself between her and the huge, towering man. "...Who are you?" I asked the huge man.

"It's me, Sirdehburrhers!" The voice seemed somewhat offended.

"...You lie," was my response. SDBHS opened his mouth to say something, but never got to as all Steve and my fellow male vampire and vampaneze brothers decided to show themselves, except now none of them were male.

It was like being in the middle of a harem. In the middle of a very ugly vampire/vampaneze harem.

It all got too much for me, and I ran from the room, escaping all the female voices calling my name. "_**NOOOOOOOOOO!**_"

The End?

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><p><strong>AN:** The ending got really weird, but I didn't want it to end with 'Aww, how cute they're having a baby (Like in all of my other stories) and they're going to live happily ever after!' because those endings just aren't cool in a crack fic like this one. I hope you guys enjoyed a super-stupid ending to this hyper-stupid fic.

Well, thanks all for your reviews, your alerts and favourites, and I hope you guys aren't too disappointed with having wasted time to read this fic.


	29. Extra: Epidemic, Baby

**Disclaimer:** Ciruqe Du Freak/Darren Shan Saga and its characters/plot/everything to do with it does not belong to me. I just use it to write twisted fics to torment little kids and creep them out. I don't know why they bothered to read it in the first place...

**A/N:** This was written in a hurry to depict how Steve and Darren would react to being siblings, and as a response to my two last reviews. They're the very first flames – though they may be a little mild to be considered flames – I've ever gotten, and it got me so excited I couldn't resist writing an extra! I don't know if this reviewer would bother coming back to read this extra and to be truthful – that doesn't really bother me.

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><p><em>Extra: Epidemic, Baby<br>_

"Ugh..." I scanned my surroundings groggily. Where was I? Last I remembered Steve and I had escaped to the woods, away from all the overbearing females and SDBHS. Manly SDBHS was weird.

Steve was beside me, tied to a tree, and my heart went into overdrive to see my expecting girlfriend all bound up.

"Steve! Steve, wake up!"

"Yes... Yess... More cakes..." Steve murmured in her sleep. She snorted, and her eyes flew open. They focused on me slowly. "Darren...? Where..."

I opened my mouth to answer, when there was a familiar cackle beside me. My eyes searched out for her immediately. Debbie.

"Hello, Darren," She gave Steve a look of distaste as a greeting. "It's been a while," She said, batting her eyelashes at me. She looked semi-normal now. Except her eyes were red... And her skin was purple. But at least she'd lost the paint and fake teeth.

"But... You're dead..." I said, blinking furiously.

"I was," She said with a nod. "I was rescued from the Lake of Souls by your father,"

Steve and I looked at each other.

"Whose father?" Steve asked the question I was wondering.

"Both of yours," she replied.

Steve and I exchanged another look.

"She's crazy," I said in lieu of an explanation.

"Yup," was her answer.

"Shut up!" Debbie yelled at us. Then she stopped... And started laughing hysterically.

"She's really crazy,"

"Yup,"

"Enough!" Debbie roared, and cuffed my ear. I hissed, and Steve jumped, before growling at Debbie. "Don't you two get it? Mr Tiny is your dad. Both of you. He created you both. You're both his children. You're siblings!" She cackled. "Such a cruel twist of fate, isn't it?!"

I glared at her, not really getting what she was saying.

"Come on, Darren, leave her. She was never meant for you. She's your sibling. You two were never meant to be,"

I looked to my girlfriend, wondering how she was reacting. Steve met my eyes and then... She shrugged.

"Even if we really were siblings... it wouldn't matter at all to me. I can't stop the fact that I love you," Steve told me with a smile, the words spoken with utmost confidence. My heart melted from hearing them.

"I love you too. Besides, I never thought of you as a sibling, so I don't see how it's a problem,"

"NO!" Debbie screamed, lashing out at me. "You love me! And I love you! We love each other!" Debbie yelled at me.

"Yeah, we did, until you turned into a psycho that tried to kill me! And you hate cakes! I can't love anyone who hates cakes!" I retorted intelligently.

"You hate cakes?" Steve gasped at this new revelation. He hadn't known. He looked at Debbie like she was a failed experiment that crawled out of a hole. Which maybe she was. I don't know anymore. I mean, who could possibly hate cakes?

"Anyway, why should we believe anything you say? You're crazy," I told Debbie. She growled in some frustration, and slapped me across the cheek.

"You two... you're both abominations! You're committing incest, and you don't even care!" She informed us.

"Well, besides the vampire and vampaneze issues... I was thinking that incest was pretty mild," Steve said. "Not that I condone incest. Oh wait..." She trailed off thoughtfully in realisation of what she had just said.

"You guys and your relationship is a discase!"

Silence fell on us.

"...Discase?" Steve repeated with genuine confuzzlement.

"I think she means disease," I stage-whispered to Steve.

"Ohhhh..." Steve replied in a stage-whisper.

"Stop pretending you're whispering! I can hear you, you disca-disease!" Debbie said, the word 'disease' sounding foreign to her. It was hard to believe she was an English teacher, back before she went cuckoo.

"Yeah, well!" Steve yelled in his normal – high-pitched, now that he was female – voice. "We ain't no disease! We're a freaking epidemic, baby! And we're contagious!" Then in a feat of awesomeness, Steve broke out of her bonds.

"What?!" Debbie had time to yell as Steve dashed towards her.

" Take this! Love Technique: Super Special Sugary Sweet Slap!" Steve yelled out as she slapped Debbie repeatedly across the face.

"No!" She screeched, and writhed in pain, as if the love attack was burning her or something. Steve did a triple somersault in the air, landed beside me, then yanked off the ropes tied around me.

"Come on, Darren! Give her an awesome attack!" Steve told me.

"You got it!" I yelled back, and leaped forward. "Absolute Awesome Alternate Affectionate Attack!" I said, punching her with my right arm. "And this is the other Alternate!" I punched her with my left arm.

"NOOOOOO!" She cried out. She held her swollen face with both hands. "This isn't over!" She told us, crouched on the ground.

"It so is!" Steve said, and grabbed my hand. "Come on, Darren!"

"Yeah!"

"Diabolical-Slaying Dual Supreme Dazzling Strike!" We called the name of our attack together, before performing it in perfect sync.

"NOOO!" Debbie shouted as she flew skyward, in a complete arc. "I'll get you guys! If it's the last thing I do!"

Steve and I were panting as we watched Debbie fly away, but our hands remained linked. We gave each other a look, then she started giggling.

"You know what? I think we should get costumes. We could be like crime fighters! And our archenemy could be Debbie," She said.

"That sounds lame,"

"Is not! I could have a cape and everything. And Debbie could say 'I'll get you guys! If it's the last thing I do!' every time we beat her up,"

"Lame,"

"Is not!" She slapped me on the arm and I laughed. She leaned against it then, and her pout slowly dissolved into a smile. "You're like a Sextuple Chocolate Cake. I can't not be happy when you're around,"

"...Are you saying you want to eat me?"

"Maybe," She answered honestly. "But then I wouldn't be happy anymore. So I guess I'll keep you around for a little longer,"

I grinned at that.

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><p><strong>AN:** Thank you to all who bothered to read this and continue to support me! I live to entertain you guys!

And to my special reviewer, if you bothered to come back – I just want to say, thank you. You were the inspiration behind this extra. And also, thank you for attempting to read my fic. I'm really very grateful. I'm sorry the pairings didn't suit your tastes. But thank you for adding to my review count, I appreciated that.

P.S.: In case you haven't noticed, I think it's cute how you spell disease as discase. Though I'm a little fuzzy on what creaked out means.

Just a last note – I don't particularly approve of incest. But I believe everyone deserves a chance at love. And I think this pairing is hot. Also, it was never clear whether they were brothers-brothers, or kind of created together brothers.


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